How I stopped binge eating.

born into the light | Lacy Young

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.- Anais Nin

I slept like it was the night before a test last night. I woke up at 3 am when Ned’s feeder went off and was in and out of sleep through the wee hours of the morning. I had just drifted back to sleep when my alarm went off at 5:30 am. I got out of bed to stumble the 6 steps from the bedroom to the kitchen in our RV to turn off the alarm with a focused thought ---- ‘I am worth it. I am ready. Let’s do this!’ My desire for the life I want was (IS) so much bigger than my desire to slip back in between our toasty flannel sheets.

I dressed while peeing, brushed my teeth and rinsed my face. In the dark of the morning I sat at the front of the bus on our couch wrapped in blankets and wearing mittens feeling like a huge success. As I sat up straight and readied myself for meditation I realized that I’d conquered two of my (former) beliefs that ‘I am not a morning person and I hate to be cold.’ I giggled at myself as the guided meditation began. An hour later with my eyes still closed I could feel the light of morning all around me. I placed my left hand on my chest and with tears rolling down my face I gave thanks for all that I’d just seen, experienced and created in meditation.

I continued through the morning as planned. I smooched Cliff who was now awake too, made my morning elixir, sat with him in the living room talking about the day ahead. I then once again braved the cold to go outside and workout among the trees.

It is time for the next chapter. It is time for change. It is undeniable. It is happening and has already happened. It is.

The last time I had this feeling was 2012 when I stopped binge eating.

I was in Hawaii dog/house sitting for a new friend. I remember being excited to have a space to myself so that I could eat and drink whatever and as much as I wanted because after all, I deserve it! I went to the best local wine/ fine foods store around and bought a bottle of wine, a bottle of champagne, a 6 pack of beer, my favorite vegan cookie, tortilla chips, gourmet salsa and nice dark chocolate. I opened a beer and unwrapped my lemon poppy seed cookie. I wrapped the cookie in foil and placed it in the oven to warm. As I took my first sip of Negro Modelo I was awash with disappointment. Why wasn’t this fun? Why didn’t this beer taste like freedom? I pressed on thinking that maybe I just wasn’t in the mood for beer. When the cookie was warm I pulled it from the oven and unwrapped it like a package on Christmas morning. THIS was going to be amazing. I was going to eat the whole thing free of guilt and I was going to feel SO deliciously full that all my sadness and uncertainty would go away (at least for a little while).

I remember looking at the cookie there on the counter feeling that something was different. Why wasn’t this working? I knew before I ever tasted it that it wasn’t going to give me the love that I was looking for. I knew that only I could do that. I took a bite and started to cry. It was perfectly crispy on the outside and chewy in the middle just like I liked and it was ALL-wrong. I ate half of it and felt empty. I finished the beer and my heart and stomach began to ache. I tried the chips next, then the chocolate. I opened the wine and took a sip straight from the bottle. Everything tasted like bitter disappointment and a waste of money. I felt trapped, anxious and unsure of what to do next. There were so many feelings bursting from me and I felt like the world was closing in around me. I wondered if this is what a panic attack feels like?

I laid down on the floor curled in a ball alongside the dog and cried. I asked for help. For direction. For something to help me move from this consuming feeling of doom. I was replaying a movie montage of the most tragic and disappointing moments of my life on repeat. Comfort food and drink had let me down and I was left to feel and fully experience every excruciating sensation.

When I couldn’t cry anymore I peeled myself from the floor and asked the dog if he wanted to go for a ride. His innocent eyes and wagging tail exclaimed, Yes! Please! I got lost twice trying to find the grocery store with the most local and organic produce but finally found it. I came back and juiced enough for three days and sat down at the desk with sticky notes. I wrote down, ‘I will drink juice for the next three days.’ ‘I love my 153 pound body.’ That was my goal weight at the time. ‘I am safe to feel my feelings.’

When I was hungry or sad or angry or frustrated or disappointed or anything negative I did one of a few things… First I always took a breath and said, ‘Lacy, you’re going to be ok. This is ok. YOU ARE OK.’ Then I would shower. Or take the dog for a walk. Or stand outside and feel the sun on my face. I juiced almost exclusively for the next two weeks and not because I made myself or decided I'd suffer through. I did it because I wanted to and because each time I drank a juice I felt GOOD about myself. I felt the old story changing. I could see my future and that horribly sad movie montage lost it's power over me. Self loathing was being replaced with self love.

That was it. I was changed. I never binged again. The ability to successfully binge has been stripped from my being. I was no longer afraid to feel my feelings. I had grown in the darkness and been born into the light once again. I allowed myself the time to move from rigidity and fear into a safe and fluid space. I stopped looking and responding outwardly and embraced inward work. I allowed myself to see the truth that I was enough, always had been and always would be.

This next chapter of waking early, meditating and moving my body in a pleasurable way is me showing up for the life that I want to live. This is full out living. This is joyous living. This is creating my days.

I am sharing all of this with you real time to invite you to join me. I will be waking early and meditating, then working out 6 days a week for the month of March. I’m giving myself the gift of a month of inspired action. No excuses. At the end of the month I’ll circle back with what I’ve learned and decide where to go from here. A month feels really good for me. You can do a month too or start with a week. It’s totally up to you. There are no rules here. Just go with what feels most light in your body and go with what feels like a combo of scary/ exciting. That's when you'll know you've found it.

What step can you take to actively create your days? What kind of life do you want to live? Who do you want to be? This is the way change happens. You make a decision and then take steps that support that decision. My desire is to live a life free from suffering and to embody the WHOLE HEALTH that I am in every breath I take. My desire is for boundless energy to do the work that I LOVE in helping others find their way and tap into their infinite wisdom and potential.

Proclaim it today. Share here in the comments if you feel moved to or email me here. Let’s hold each other in the light of our desires! Let’s support each other to be our highest selves.

We can do this. YOU CAN DO THIS!

To freedom, Lacy

P.s. Just as I was about to publish this I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to check my phone. My dear friend sent me a text to say that three years ago today we were in Hawaii together. FULL ON GOOSEBUMPS. She was the one who introduced me to the friend that I dog/ house sat for. I went to Hawaii for some space, to make some decisions about my life and marriage and to learn how love myself. It was a truly difficult time and without my having to say anything she could sense that everything was shit and so she got on a plane to Hawaii and we spent a week together in a fancy hotel, driving around the island, devouring The Hunger Games series, drinking umbrella drinks, eating 'slightly expensive blocks of cheese' dinner and candling each others ears in the hotel room (thank god we didn’t burn the place down). We lovingly call it our “friendlymoon” because people kept mistaking us for a lesbian couple on our honeymoon. I’m forever changed for having been truly loved and seen. It was a week after she left that I had my moment in the kitchen with my former favorite lemon poppy seed cookie. I’m reminded that change starts with love and can’t help but feeling like all we did together and her presence there the week before gave me the strength I needed to move through the darkness. Thank you, Leigh. Thank you forever.

How lasts are firsts.

This morning I took my last beach walk.

Picked up my last piece of sea glass.

Drank my last green juice with Cody and Phil.

Ate my last mango from the tree in the yard.

A morning full of lasts for the first day of my new life.

 6 am.  Too happy to sleep.

 This spot.  My favorite spot.

 Messy delicious morning mango!

Love these two who created beautiful space for me during this time.

 Textured layers like this beautiful life.

Pure joy!

Love from Hawaii this one last time!

Lacy

Leaving Hawaii heading to paradise!

This morning Cody and I got up before the sun to walk the beach for sunrise. As light filled the world around me I felt completely grateful for all that has unfolded in these months and days here in Hawaii.  Standing in this place that is understandably called paradise I feel complete. I feel ready. I feel like I'm heading to paradise instead of leaving it.

Tomorrow, tomorrow I see my love tomorrow!

 

This Magical Place

There's adventure waiting everywhere... Cody is a badass :)

Little treasures found on the beach...abandoned ship ; )

Local fruit falling from nearby trees... morning jabong

The beauty that is in every living thing... Fan Palm

 

This place that has brought me home to myself... daily beach walks <3

Happy on the beach... North Shore watching big wave surfers

Local food made with Aloha... Waialua Bakery speaking truth.

Meeting new friends...Happy Sunka

Quirky traditions that make me happy... Buoy Tree <3

Artisans sharing their love of the land through their work... This piece of wood is going to become my custom made cutting board! I am SO SO excited about it!  Cody will take part in sanding it putting his loving energy into it too!

Source of sweetness...Saw my first cacao tree over the weekend!

 

Love from Hawaii,

Lacy

The next chapter of the journey.

california-texas

This year I chose the word Nourish as my word of the year.  In January I said 2012 would be full of "a deep feeling that all is right, it's all unfolding as it's meant to, that the best is now and the best is yet to come."  May I just say yeap, yeap, it is and it is! When I chose Nourish I had no idea I'd come to live in Hawaii for a time.  I knew only that the sea was calling me and at the time I thought that meant I would live by the sea with Cliff by way of moving to San Diego.  We'll I've been here in Hawaii for 2 and a half months literally living by the sea, I hear the waves crashing when I lay down for bed at night and I see the morning blue from the balcony when I wake up.  Things work out so perfectly even when they're not exactly the way you thought they would.

Several weeks ago I was saying how much I miss road trips with Cliff and the adventures we take together.  I'm laughing now as I think about the road trip ahead of us and the grand adventure we are about to embark on... me, Cliff, all our stuff and our two fur face kids are moving to Texas!  We are headed to the state of my birth (and Ned's) just in time for my little sister to give birth to her first child, a daughter!

Today is a week until I am back in San Jose!  Wahooooooooo!  And then shortly there after we'll load up and hit the road!  From Hawaii to California to Texas!  I'll be posting on Instagram wee, wee, wee all the way home!

I realized the other day that our wedding vows spoke of California and Texas (so perfect).  When Cliff said I will honor and love you, even in Texas it was funny and sweet.  Neither one of us ever thought we'd be moving to Texas.  Oh how time changes things!  I had this print made as a surprise for Cliff via DefineDesignEleven at Etsy.  Sandrine was SO fast and so lovely!  The print is already in Texas waiting for us to get there!

Off to the beach, 7 more days of sand and sea for me! XO Lacy

 

Something wonderful has happened.

photo-127

I purchased my ticket to California.  I'm counting down to April 11 and back into the arms of my love.

I came to Hawaii on a soul journey and what I've gained in these 75 days will last me a lifetime.  There was a time when my coach said to me that he and his partner could move on from each other at any time with complete love.  I called bull shit.  I had no idea what he was talking about and his words terrified me.  Overtime I came to understand what he meant and now I'm so grateful.  You see, I had to let go of Cliff to really find ME.

That involved a beautiful island, a simple life with time and space away, time to walk the beach, read, write, listen.  In the process of that time and space I found darkness and light, chaos and peace and thankfully the light stayed, peace rushed in and with it I found deep love for myself.

I see this girl in the mirror each and every day and I notice that I look at her the way I look at Cliff.  I really love her, I see her, I feel her and I listen to her.  All that love opened up this space in me that I didn't know previously existed.  Like finding a secret door in the wardrobe to another land.  It's huge in here and love filled.

When I think of all the ways this trip could have gone I am so thankful that the longings of my heart were heard (of course they were).  Love is so tender and it's thrown around all the time that until you love yourself you can't really love anyone else.  I actually finally believe that's true.

We said goodbye at an airport and we'll say hello again at an airport. I so appreciate the perfection of how we end up exactly where we began.

Here's to the journey of a lifetime and all that will unfold next. There is so much more coming!

Happy to say, mission accomplished! Lacy

The first quarter.

I left California in January.  It's March now and I'm not going back to the mainland just yet.  When I packed my bags and headed for Hawaii I was certain only that the steps I was taking were the exact right ones and that I'd show up and see what unfolded.

We each come to peace through our own path.  Buddha said you don't have to leave home to find it--- for me leaving home was necessary on so many levels.  And Hawaii is the perfect place for a soul mission (even in the rainy season)!  This will always be the place where I became whole.

So what does being whole mean exactly?   The short version is that I love myself whole heartedly.  I'm using my intuition as the powerful tool it is, and replacing fear with love on every level.  I'm honoring and trusting my mind, body and spirit.    

As a recovering planner and former control freak I've been experiencing so much relief just by taking the steps that are in front of me.  Sincerely, the steps RIGHT in front of me.  There's a new presence in my days that is almost comedic in its effortlessness.  I am not planning out my entire day let alone the rest of my life.  I'm trusting that as I move forward the path will reveal itself.

This morning those steps unfolded so naturally as I woke up to a dog nose.

meet Sunka

I'm happily dog sitting for a week and have been enjoying every minute of canine companionship.  I got up, took him for a walk and made juice.  The rest of the day has been punctuated with coaching calls and whatever else I have felt the need or want to do.  It's that easy.

I'm on a juice cleanse at the moment so I spend time making juice.

I read a lot.  I replace any negative thoughts with positive ones.  No more self imposed deadlines and timelines where I loose sleep and struggle through.  That's not to say that deadlines have gone away entirely... I do still live and participate in polite society.  I still honor my appointments and get my work done but it's with new perspective.  And for 7 weeks now I've had a string of really beautiful days.

Yes, I miss Cliff, sometimes tremendously and I think about him off and on all day but even that has changed.  I think about him now from a place of being a complete person instead of a place of lack.  I don't need him to praise me or love me in a particular way to derive my self worth.  I am already enough just as I am.  HELLO!  So good I'll say it again... I am already enough just as I am!  At 33 I'm finally figuring out what it means to be in a truly healthy relationship.  

When I arrived I wanted to talk to Cliff all the time.  I wanted to use him as my anchor so I didn't float off into the sea.  I wasn't here for him, I was here for me and I reminded myself often during those first two weeks I CAN DO THIS.  I CAN DO THIS.  I wasn't sure what I was doing but I just kept saying it.  We decided to stop talking daily and to talk just once a week, a Skype date on Sunday (we talk regularly now).  It was painful and I gave my girl friends an ear full about just how stupid I thought that was (even though we both agreed it was best).  I mean come on- I was getting punished for loving him too much and for wanting to talk with him?  The reality was that I wasn't so much clinging on to him as I was getting in my own way.  And so I let go and by letting go all this space opened up inside of me and I started to look forward to spending days with myself.  It was like I was breaking out of the stone barrier that was holding me into what was familiar despite it not feeling right... so often I see this with my clients regarding food.  They overeat on something like pizza and wash it down with some kind of soda because that kind of full is a feeling they know. It doesn't matter that it feels crummy, it's familiar.

Once I turned my attention to myself I was able to focus.  I read a lot of books by very wise people, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, Marianne Williams and I contemplate their words.  I let them all flow in and I delight in doing things I want to do... beach walks even in the winter rains.  Collecting sea glass. Driving around the island with new friends. Local avocado, apple bananas, coconuts. Writing my first several eCourses, watching docus on Netflix.  Sitting on the beach, splashing around in the ocean... I could go on and on.

And so that's where I'm at, nearly two months in and feeling grateful that I've taken this time.  It's just a blip on the big screen of life but it's one big important shiny blip! One of my clients today asked for the formula... for me it has been about finding the fear, facing it and walking through it with support.  Sometimes that will be with the support of your partner, a therapist, life coach, health coach... sometimes it's you as your own coach.  No matter what version it is for you I can tell you from real, raw and recent experience... it's worth it.

To my wild happiness and to yours!
To the journey!
Thanks for joining me for part of mine.
Lacy

The Arms of the Ocean.

It's all rain, rain, rain on Oahu at the moment but even in full out severe weather I find this place enchanting.  I spent hours on the beach today letting the waves chase me into the shore over and over again.  I had the best time giggling with myself and watching the little crabs race the waves with me into their little holes.

A soul song for your Friday.  The lyrics
... And the arms of the ocean are carrying me, 
And all this devotion was rushing out of me 
 go right to my heart.

I hope you're heading into a weekend full of pure delight!
Love through rain or sunshine,
Lacy

Hawaii lately!

This is my very favorite spot.  
And just as soon as it stops raining I will be sitting there again.
My gf Leigh came to visit!
She convinced me to read The Hunger Games... 
and I loved all three books!  
LOVED!  
We stayed in a hotel which means I slept in a bed, had an abundance of pillows and amazing water pressure for an entire week! D-E-L-I-G-H-T!  
I also unplugged so if you're still waiting on an email from me... it's coming soon!
 
We were treated to massages aaand it was amazing!
Complete with hooded robes.
We rocked on the porch of our hotel.  
Drank plenty of umbrella drinks (naturally).  
This one was amazing... like a pina colada but with mint!

We hiked Pill Boxes to see this view. 
Drove to North Shore in the pouring rain.
Still totally worth it.   
They're not kidding about the Aloha Spirit part... Waikiki (where all the big hotels are) is tourist crowded and people can be a touch impatient... if you ever come to Oahu you MUST venture out of Waikiki!!! North Shore is relaxed, thoughtful... people stop for you to pull out or cross the street.  Every time I go to North Shore I feel my whole body exhale.
 We saw monster waves and visited Turtle Bay which has me wanting to watch this again now that I've seen the place it in person. 
 Aaaand we went to a luau where we learned about more about the beautiful Hawaiian culture, sampled traditional foods and enjoyed nearly naked men, beautiful hula girls and one amazing fire dancer!  
 So that's what I've been up to lately!
What's been going on with you?
XO
Aloha!
Lacy