GRATITUDE LIST No. 2 | DEC 2017
Scene: I'm sitting at the dining room table with my youngest sister, Kallie and her wife Kaitlyn. They moved out to Young Family Cabin in January and we call them our "landmates." We've all worked together to build them a tent home on our land which I will share more about below. I say, "Um ---- so I kinda want pudding." Kallie is so enthusiastic with her response...
My friend and first coach, Anthony and his girlfriend Kristin (who is also a coach) visited over Christmas. We spent three days talking and going deep into what each of us believe, are working on and sharing our favorite tools for healing. It was QUALITY time. One of the topics that most resonated with me was Ideas vs. Knowing.
Meet the new site! Isn't she pretty! If ever my heart was visible on a screen this is it. I can't wait to hear what you think!
My trip to Bali last November changed the course of life and work in majorly visible ways. This site is an extension of those changes born in perfect timing to announce that in 2016 we will travel back to Bali for a Shift Retreat...
A dear client told me today that my blog is on her list of comforts. Sandwiched between take a bath and make lentils is read Lacy's blog. I've had this post welling up and swirling around inside for weeks and after that amazing compliment now feels like the perfect time to share. We've been working on renovating our family cabin for the last several months. Total gut job. It's a HUGE project. We are still living in the RV and are currently parked in a nearby(ish) campsite in the mountains. We thought we'd be done by now. Famous last words. Every timeline we've set along the way has been way off. I'm learning to release the need to set timelines at all. We are both itching to get on the road and at the same time feeling the importance of this grounding time sitting still in the woods.
Cliff goes to the cabin nearly everyday and I meet him on my days off. There's this one tree that we pass on the way in that always grabs my attention. It's my favorite. It's riddled with suckers and has obviously never been cared for. I watched it go from seemingly dead to covered in little white flowers and now it is full of leaves.
One day I decided instead of working on the fence or sanding cabinets that I wanted to prune this tree. It took me a little over and hour of sawing off dead limbs and cutting off suckers. With each one I said, "There, that's better. Let's free you up. How does that feel?" With every branch removed I could feel the tree breathing into this new found lightness.
As I stood back to admire my efforts I thought of all the things that I want to free up in my life. I thought of how sometimes we need to take an honest look at our "limbs" and get to work on clearing. There are times too when we need to invite a trusted someone to help remove the dead stuff that's hanging on and the suckers that are perpetuating chaos in our being.
May I give you some permission to stand back and truly survey what's in front of you so much so that you can clearly see what needs to go and what wants to stay? Here's what came up for me that particular day:
- I took "friend-ven-tory". I said each persons name that came to mind aloud and either said 'Thank you, I love you' or 'I release you, I love you.' This is a practice I do a few times a year. My goal is always to live in alignment with what feels best in the simplest way possible. The energy exchange has to be equal or it just doesn't work. Trust me, I've tried the way of forcing it. Lots.
- I thought of our marriage and how as we have been simplifying we are learning to see each other as new each day. Sometimes that is so refreshing and other times it's all caps HARD. We are learning how to give each other space living in this tiny home.
- I thought of drinking alcohol and how much I have loved calling myself a "drinker" and how it feels like it's time to let drinking go.
- And I thought of how life is so full that it goes far beyond living new chapters but living different lives all together and along the way I've been experiencing hundreds upon thousands of personal mini deaths (I mean that in the least morbid way possible). Each is part of making space for the new to enter into this human experience.
If it feels good to you consider embracing the idea of living many lives and moving through many personal deaths. Look at how that's happened in your life up to today and notice what you've learned along the way. Find the threads of your story and you just might see where they are leading you next. Experiment with your life in the most loving way possible. Change jobs. Stop eating or drinking something that is not serving you. Say goodbye to someone, reconnect with someone else. Speak intentionally. Don't say things you don't mean (especially to yourself) and when you do interrupt yourself as soon as you remember and begin again. Shake things up a bit. Give yourself permission to enjoy the ride in the joy filled times and the pure shit times. The truth is, it's all beautiful. It's life.
Get pruning. Lacy
Last year I continually asked for the unknown to show up in my life and this year it is still happening. Some days I fully embrace it, some days I trip and fall on my own resistance. I’m learning to love them all equally. I’ve been meditating daily, some days two or three times. I’m moving my body in ways that feel supportive, running, stretching and doing exercises. I’m eating my veggies, sleeping and drinking plenty of water. There are so many boxes getting checked and yet these past few days I have been walking around like I was tied to a boat anchor. GAH! What gives? Quite simply I forgot some essentials... I forgot that everything is perfect as is. I forgot my vitamin L (love). I forgot that everything happens automatically.
I wasn’t being loving with myself. I was going through all the motions but running these really old programs in my head that said 'this + that is not good enough and you should really start panicking any moment.' I was spending way too much time worrying about the future. It was pretty comical really. I'd get up at 5:30 am in the morning and spend an entire hour meditating in presence and then at precisely 6:45 am I'd find myself worried about months from now.
Today I decided that enough was enough and I did what any self-respecting female would do. I went to Target. Seriously, Target was part of my self-care today. I mean, $10 organic conditioner, new kitchen sponges, a good smelling soy candle and a couple packets of Jason’s Nut Butter can’t hurt. My capsule wardrobe has saved me oodles on buying random clothes but it hasn’t kept me from the rest of the store. So it was Target first, happy hour meditation next.
I did my sisters amazing Cutting the Cord meditation half a dozen times. I’m not kidding. It took SIX times but I finally cut all the cords that were weighing me down. One-by-one I cut the cord from my body to the thing that was adding to what I was feeling. Some I let go of lovingly and they melted away, others I wanted to give a giant fuck all, which is why I had to do it six times.
Friends, I’m here to tell you it really is all perfect especially in the moments when you want to scream profanities. I say go for it if that makes it feel better. I have been trying to curse more lately because it feels so damn good. It moves energy and resistance in big ways. When I get overwhelmed that's my cue that I’m resisting something.
What I know is that I always have had everything I need and I always will. That brings me great comfort. When I look back at the timeline of my life I never imagined that I’d be living in an RV in love with a tremendous human and one fur face little old man (Ned will be 15 this year).
I see that my perceived physical limitations are really blessings and I accept my breathing everyday in any form it shows up in that day. Acceptance and lack of judgment creates space in my life and my body for easy breathing to move through me. If you live with any kind of physical pain or discomfort this is for you to really listen to. Seriously, read this whole part again.
When we can learn how to be with and love ourselves not only through the muck but LOVE the freaking muck itself then we will all be free. That's where I'm at. I'm in the stage of moving from seeking freedom to embodying it. I'm learning to love it all... the joy, the pain, the sickness and health. Cliff and I didn't say traditional vows but I'm having a crazy ah-ha moment writing this right now and thinking about the vows we take to share life together in its entirety. It's all perfect, beautiful, infuriating, riveting, engaging and just so worth it. Following this I will be writing some vows to speak to myself and I invite you to join me if you feel moved to do so.
Hoping that sharing real time experience is as helpful for you as it is therapeutic for me.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.- Anais Nin
I slept like it was the night before a test last night. I woke up at 3 am when Ned’s feeder went off and was in and out of sleep through the wee hours of the morning. I had just drifted back to sleep when my alarm went off at 5:30 am. I got out of bed to stumble the 6 steps from the bedroom to the kitchen in our RV to turn off the alarm with a focused thought ---- ‘I am worth it. I am ready. Let’s do this!’ My desire for the life I want was (IS) so much bigger than my desire to slip back in between our toasty flannel sheets.
I dressed while peeing, brushed my teeth and rinsed my face. In the dark of the morning I sat at the front of the bus on our couch wrapped in blankets and wearing mittens feeling like a huge success. As I sat up straight and readied myself for meditation I realized that I’d conquered two of my (former) beliefs that ‘I am not a morning person and I hate to be cold.’ I giggled at myself as the guided meditation began. An hour later with my eyes still closed I could feel the light of morning all around me. I placed my left hand on my chest and with tears rolling down my face I gave thanks for all that I’d just seen, experienced and created in meditation.
I continued through the morning as planned. I smooched Cliff who was now awake too, made my morning elixir, sat with him in the living room talking about the day ahead. I then once again braved the cold to go outside and workout among the trees.
It is time for the next chapter. It is time for change. It is undeniable. It is happening and has already happened. It is.
The last time I had this feeling was 2012 when I stopped binge eating.
I was in Hawaii dog/house sitting for a new friend. I remember being excited to have a space to myself so that I could eat and drink whatever and as much as I wanted because after all, I deserve it! I went to the best local wine/ fine foods store around and bought a bottle of wine, a bottle of champagne, a 6 pack of beer, my favorite vegan cookie, tortilla chips, gourmet salsa and nice dark chocolate. I opened a beer and unwrapped my lemon poppy seed cookie. I wrapped the cookie in foil and placed it in the oven to warm. As I took my first sip of Negro Modelo I was awash with disappointment. Why wasn’t this fun? Why didn’t this beer taste like freedom? I pressed on thinking that maybe I just wasn’t in the mood for beer. When the cookie was warm I pulled it from the oven and unwrapped it like a package on Christmas morning. THIS was going to be amazing. I was going to eat the whole thing free of guilt and I was going to feel SO deliciously full that all my sadness and uncertainty would go away (at least for a little while).
I remember looking at the cookie there on the counter feeling that something was different. Why wasn’t this working? I knew before I ever tasted it that it wasn’t going to give me the love that I was looking for. I knew that only I could do that. I took a bite and started to cry. It was perfectly crispy on the outside and chewy in the middle just like I liked and it was ALL-wrong. I ate half of it and felt empty. I finished the beer and my heart and stomach began to ache. I tried the chips next, then the chocolate. I opened the wine and took a sip straight from the bottle. Everything tasted like bitter disappointment and a waste of money. I felt trapped, anxious and unsure of what to do next. There were so many feelings bursting from me and I felt like the world was closing in around me. I wondered if this is what a panic attack feels like?
I laid down on the floor curled in a ball alongside the dog and cried. I asked for help. For direction. For something to help me move from this consuming feeling of doom. I was replaying a movie montage of the most tragic and disappointing moments of my life on repeat. Comfort food and drink had let me down and I was left to feel and fully experience every excruciating sensation.
When I couldn’t cry anymore I peeled myself from the floor and asked the dog if he wanted to go for a ride. His innocent eyes and wagging tail exclaimed, Yes! Please! I got lost twice trying to find the grocery store with the most local and organic produce but finally found it. I came back and juiced enough for three days and sat down at the desk with sticky notes. I wrote down, ‘I will drink juice for the next three days.’ ‘I love my 153 pound body.’ That was my goal weight at the time. ‘I am safe to feel my feelings.’
When I was hungry or sad or angry or frustrated or disappointed or anything negative I did one of a few things… First I always took a breath and said, ‘Lacy, you’re going to be ok. This is ok. YOU ARE OK.’ Then I would shower. Or take the dog for a walk. Or stand outside and feel the sun on my face. I juiced almost exclusively for the next two weeks and not because I made myself or decided I'd suffer through. I did it because I wanted to and because each time I drank a juice I felt GOOD about myself. I felt the old story changing. I could see my future and that horribly sad movie montage lost it's power over me. Self loathing was being replaced with self love.
That was it. I was changed. I never binged again. The ability to successfully binge has been stripped from my being. I was no longer afraid to feel my feelings. I had grown in the darkness and been born into the light once again. I allowed myself the time to move from rigidity and fear into a safe and fluid space. I stopped looking and responding outwardly and embraced inward work. I allowed myself to see the truth that I was enough, always had been and always would be.
This next chapter of waking early, meditating and moving my body in a pleasurable way is me showing up for the life that I want to live. This is full out living. This is joyous living. This is creating my days.
I am sharing all of this with you real time to invite you to join me. I will be waking early and meditating, then working out 6 days a week for the month of March. I’m giving myself the gift of a month of inspired action. No excuses. At the end of the month I’ll circle back with what I’ve learned and decide where to go from here. A month feels really good for me. You can do a month too or start with a week. It’s totally up to you. There are no rules here. Just go with what feels most light in your body and go with what feels like a combo of scary/ exciting. That's when you'll know you've found it.
What step can you take to actively create your days? What kind of life do you want to live? Who do you want to be? This is the way change happens. You make a decision and then take steps that support that decision. My desire is to live a life free from suffering and to embody the WHOLE HEALTH that I am in every breath I take. My desire is for boundless energy to do the work that I LOVE in helping others find their way and tap into their infinite wisdom and potential.
Proclaim it today. Share here in the comments if you feel moved to or email me here. Let’s hold each other in the light of our desires! Let’s support each other to be our highest selves.
We can do this. YOU CAN DO THIS!
To freedom, Lacy
P.s. Just as I was about to publish this I had this overwhelming feeling that I needed to check my phone. My dear friend sent me a text to say that three years ago today we were in Hawaii together. FULL ON GOOSEBUMPS. She was the one who introduced me to the friend that I dog/ house sat for. I went to Hawaii for some space, to make some decisions about my life and marriage and to learn how love myself. It was a truly difficult time and without my having to say anything she could sense that everything was shit and so she got on a plane to Hawaii and we spent a week together in a fancy hotel, driving around the island, devouring The Hunger Games series, drinking umbrella drinks, eating 'slightly expensive blocks of cheese' dinner and candling each others ears in the hotel room (thank god we didn’t burn the place down). We lovingly call it our “friendlymoon” because people kept mistaking us for a lesbian couple on our honeymoon. I’m forever changed for having been truly loved and seen. It was a week after she left that I had my moment in the kitchen with my former favorite lemon poppy seed cookie. I’m reminded that change starts with love and can’t help but feeling like all we did together and her presence there the week before gave me the strength I needed to move through the darkness. Thank you, Leigh. Thank you forever.
As I'm prepping to host Shift retreat this May I've been spending time in reflection on the events that set this all in motion and on the bravery that I know each participant will be summoning to do this profound work. If you feel called you can apply to join us here. In November last year I felt a strong pull to up and go to Bali. I laugh now even as I type that because I know how crazy it sounds. It was a feeling inside that was supported by three solid validations (finding a book while cleaning out a closet, seeing an image on Instagram and winning tickets to Oprah that I didn't register for). In 24 hours I booked a ticket. And it was done. I was excited. I was terrified. I was as ready as I could be. I had no idea how important the trip would become.
When Cliff dropped me off at the airport I was full to the brim with anxiety, uncertainty and fear. This was my first time to travel alone. All I knew was that for the next 30 days I was going to be with myself in a place I'd never been, doing things I'd never done. I cried as he dropped me off and we hugged and kissed goodbye. I cried as I checked in. I cried all the way through security (which did speed things up quite a bit). I finally pulled myself together at the gate. After I boarded, the flight attendant handed me a warm towel and I put my face into it and just sobbed.
I show you this photo now not so you'll feel sorry for me (I was on my way to Bali, after all) but so you'll see the progression of change in my face throughout this trip. I knew I had to go. I wanted it and I feared it at the same time.
A few days into the trip I woke up at 3 am feeling like I was being called to. I laid in bed (and took a selfie, as one does) and listened. I felt peaceful but like something was definitely happening. Later that day I spoke with my sister and learned that was the exact moment she was doing and Angel Reading and meditating on me. When she sent me the reading I felt gratitude for every single word. So much of it resonated. So much of it was deeply affirming. I read it nearly everyday for the rest of my trip. It became my True North and a tether to the truth I was seeking.
The following is my reading. I ask that you hold it with the kind of tenderness that you would a newborn. It feels like opening up the pages of my most cherished journal despite the fact that these words are not from me. They were channeled through my sweet sister.
Oh sister, your energy is palpable. I can feel you and the movement in your body. Todd is there with you, which is so interesting to me. I have not felt him in some time but he has shown up twice in your reading, once as guiding you in the recent past and now again as an overarching presence in this phase of life you’re in. He is greasing the wheel so-to-speak. He is witnessing your return to your inner child, and he is blessing your journey inward. Call on him. Speak to him. Ask him questions. He will give you direct answers. Trust the answers when you receive them. You are sensitive through the dream world and through messages from people. Expect answers this way and trust the signs as you read them.
This trip into yourself is going to be the undoing of you in some ways. That can sound scary, ominous, but it is pure, true freedom, I promise you. Lean into the unknown. Lean into the icky. Lean into the sense of discombobulation. You will not feel grounded for some time. This is purposeful. You are stripping yourself free of all your identities, of all the things that keep you locked in the stories that make it easier for you to remain in your dysfunction. There is a reason you live above the ground now. Did you realize that? They showed me that. Your RV. You don’t touch the ground. You are floating just above it. Ungrounded. You are unrooting in this identity that you are SO deeply entangled in so that you may reroot and reroute in another. That is when you will know the RV journey is complete, when you are completely detached from the roots that were. You will live on ground again, and the roots will be of health and vitality instead of fear and pain.
I know you already have plans to get still and to just be, but they are telling me this big time. Seriously. Even if you laid in your hotel room for 30 days and did nothing but rest and meditate and saw nothing of Bali. The trip is not about what you will see or what is physically there for you. It is literally the distance that you needed to create to run that far from the identity you’ve created with your energy. You needed to be halfway around the world from your creation. So Bali works. There is magic there, yes. And healing, yes. But only because you are there creating it.
Do you remember those dome shaped plastic things we played with as kids? You turn them inside out and set them out, and then they pop way into the air. I was shown that as a personal image in my own meditation today but it is being applied to you as well. You are being turned inside out like that toy and all your fears are going to be exposed, which is way uncomfortable. But it will pop back and there will be this huge energetic release. Don’t fight the process.
As for the cards, I draw 3-4 cards that tell you of your recent past, present and where you will be in the future if you follow the advice regarding the present. There is also a general guidance card which is the overarching theme for your reading and life right now.
Knight of Earth - General meaning is that it is time to buckle down and get things done, to honor your commitments. A guardian angel is present.
Knight cards indicate a masculine presence. This can be either physical or spiritual but in your case I sense someone on both sides, meaning an actual person in your life and a spirit watching you. The knight of earth is a person who is loyal, dedicated, honorable and kind. They are a nature and animal lover who may be a vegetarian. Detail-oriented. Diligent. Thoughtful. Honorable. Kind.
You have been being watched over and cared for energetically by the male energies in your life lately. Cliff, Todd, and your own sense of masculine energy. These are the strong soft energies that have been holding you up to this point.
This card indicates renewed motivation, that if there was an energetic slump you are seeing your way through to the other side. It signifies increased abundance, business travel, and a guardian angel. The business travel was particularly poignant for me because I’m being shown how much this trip to Bali is about your business and what comes next for you. You’ve been telling the people in your life that this trip is about healing your trachea (and there will be some of that as a secondary effect) but the truth is that this is a business trip for you. There is much soul work to be done and an unwinding of you in relation to your profession. The piece about writing your next course is more important than the trachea healing. You will only heal by living your life from a place of authenticity and joy. Healing can’t be the goal. Does that make sense? Joy has to be the goal. Healing is a side effect. You don’t set out to heal. You set out to find peace. Healing just happens.
This card nods to the fact that you just came out of a very task-focused period…honoring promises and commitments, attending to details and being thorough. That very structured, very masculine energy will subside and you will find more flow in the feminine. The work was important and the busyness and progress got you to the now. But that part is over. Time to soften.
Earth cards are about the material world and show that you have been very materially focused in the recent past. Work, home, money, security, etc - these all fall under the earth suit.
Release - Archangel Azrael - General meaning of this card is the end of a phase or situation. Spiritual transformation. Time to move on.
Well no surprises here! This card is all about transformation and moving forward. “Inevitable positive changes.” This card signifies that it’s time to move on because this project or phase of your life is now complete. There’s no benefit in remaining in this situation. Instead shake off the old and welcome the new. You may have a sense of relief or there may be some sadness, but either way it’s time to leave that which you’ve outgrown.
Take your time in adjusting to these changes. There’s no need to rush ahead. Be kind to yourself during this period of transition and seek the support of family and friends.
Additional meanings of this card are facing your fears, relationship transitions and spiritual evolution.
It’s interesting to me how much work stuff is coming through on this one. Perhaps that’s not news to you, but I’m getting really clear messaging about how tied up energetically you’ve been in your work and building your business. Completing the last social media consulting project is definitely being nodded to here, but there is a MUCH bigger shift being alluded to. I know you keep focusing on age 10 and healing with that part of your life for your throat, but there is a message here loud and clear sis that this work entanglement is playing its part in your health as well. Ironic too since you’re a health coach. There will be lots of self-discovery around that.
This journey of spiritual evolution is going to be about worth as well. You are really trying to assert your worth as a 10 year old and as a career person, and this spiritual journey is going to strip you down to seeing your intrinsic worth, even if it hurts a little in the process. Stubbornness will only hinder this journey, so it’s time to breathe into all the sticky areas that you’ve been holding out on exploring. Exploration is a word that keeps coming up again and again for you. This trip, this moment, this present creation in your life is about exploration, about exploring yourself with detached curiosity, about letting go of the parts of you that you’re stubbornly holding onto so as to preserve the big heavy story you get to carry around.
Archangel Azrael heals your heart when changes and losses bring about grieving. Call upon Azrael to help you move forward fearlessly and let go of the past. It’s going to be really really important to let go of the past. Stop telling the same stories. You’re keeping that alive by breathing life into the stories.
Ten of Water - A contented and rewarding family life. Your emotional and material needs are met. Trustworthy relationship.
This is a really beautiful, straight-forward card. Its message is clear and simple. Life is good. It speaks of harmony in your family and relationships and great feelings of love and blessings. Your needs (both emotional and material) are met, and you will be surrounded by peace, joy and unconditional love.
Additional meanings of this card are happy marriage, positive relationships with children, security and taking care of family members.
The thing that stands about this card for your reading is its simplicity. It’s so full of love and peace and joy, but the message requires little explanation. What is ahead for you? Simplicity.
The water suit is about the depths of emotions, intuition and psychic abilities. It’s quite interesting how your reading progresses from a heavy focus on the material world with the earth suit through a spiritual release and into the flowing peace of the emotional water suit. You are headed toward more connection with the things that matter. It’s interesting too that in the first two cards I heard lots and lots about your business and all the busyness, and now it’s just peace. They’re not even throwing you a bone about the linear about the structure of what comes next in this exploration of profession and worth and you. Just peace. It’s kind of frustrating and completely fucking perfect at the same time.
There is an interesting sense of quiet I’m getting about what’s coming next for you. Your voice literally being quieted for a while. A going within. Content. Peaceful. Still. This will be a change more for the people around you than you, as it will feel natural for you, a next logical step. They’re just telling me to honor this for you. To give yourself permission and be easy with yourself during this period of silence.
The Wheel - Archangel Michael - A time of positive change. A situation suddenly moves forward. Fortune is on your side. “The wheel of fortune”
Sister, this card is epic. It’s big. In all the readings I’ve done in these last 2 years, I’ve never drawn this card. It’s that good. So here’s what the book says and then I’ll tell you what else they’re telling me. Remember this is the overarching theme of your reading and your energy at this point.
The angels sent you this card because of positive changes occurring in your life. Expect and enjoy beneficial new opportunities as they present themselves. This is an optimal time to make big and small changes. Take the leap with the knowledge that everything will work well for you.
Old blocks are lifting and everything now moves forward quickly. If recent events shook your faith, you’ll now see how they were positive for you. Rapid advancement is likely now.
Additional meanings of this card are good luck, a happy accident, balanced karma, a miracle, a twist of fate, destiny.
Archangel Michael is the supreme protecting angel who walks beside you through changes, giving you courage, strength and self-confidence. Call upon Michael whenever you’d like specific guidance about your next step, especially if it’s connected to your life purpose or spiritual path.
A word about Michael…. He is a healer of confidence and wants to make the path clear for YOU to do the work and make the steps forward. You won’t feel hand-held with him, but you’ll know you’re being guided.
The picture depicts Michael powerfully in the middle of a wheel of all the astrological signs and all four elements of earth, air, fire and water. Some kind of karma has dissolved and is transmuting for you currently. This means that cosmically you’re poised for big shifts, and the Universe is opening up for you. You’ll feel like you have more options because you’ll feel less constricted by those unknown forces that tug at your being. You’ll feel lighter, more open.
As a general theme for your reading, obviously this is really positive (and trust me, I’ve seen negative). The message I’m getting is for you to trust the bigger picture. They gave you this card and are showing you this message kind of as a sneak preview of what’s to come. There will be darkness. The work is never easy, but this is supposed to show you how aligned you are with the way right now. The wheel is turning and it would take far more effort for you to stop it than for it to just keep on trucking forward. Breathe into that and trust when the road gets bumpy that the wheel of fortune is humming right along.
Overall sister this is such a beautiful story, and I hope it gives you a sense of confidence and space. They are showing me how much this trip means to you personally and professionally even if you don’t altogether realize it. It’s not so much about your breathing. It’s about finding the childlike joy. It’s about finding your feminine. It’s about moving from earth to water. It’s about ripping up rotted roots so you can plant a sapling and love it up.
You are so divinely loved and there is a sense of falling away all around you. Like the leaves fall from the trees each autumn. Except it’s entire branches. They’re just falling off one by one, and you’re feeling the breeze. You’re finally seeing the view. You’re realizing you weren’t as constricted as you always felt. There is a great opening and a great softening. Flow with it. Don’t worry about agendas or reporting back what you accomplished or what you saw. This time is about pruning.
I love you so so much! Feel free to ask any questions and I’ll answer as best they guide me.
You have so many you can call on. Michael for guidance and to clear the way. Azrael for healing and release. Todd for laughs and encouragement. Call on them. You are absolutely positively not alone.
Each time I read through the reading while I was in Bali I saw and felt something new. The feeling of being seen and supported still brings me to tears. "You are absolutely positively not alone" echoes in my heart all the time.
This photo was after an epic 5 hour long spa day. The day ended with a cream hair treatment and then the girl attempted to style my hair with a blow dry. Brush + blow dryer on curly hair is always a recipe for disaster but something in me just allowed it all to unfold and I have never been more infused with simple joy and laugher. I walked out of the spa looking like this and it was awesome. Healing was already well underway but I was too busy having fun to realize it.
Going back through the reading now I feel so proud that I listened, that I was soft and allowing. The reading said, "You are sensitive through the dream world and through messages from people." I paid attention to both.
I met a girl, Lindsey, for dinner one night that I'd only previously known on the internet (she helped create my app!) and she invited me to go do a reading with her and to a meditation class. The meditation class felt like a good idea so I went. I was blown away at the power of the meditation. Blown away! I attended that mediation again and then a 1:1 session with the guy who leads it named Punnu and then a 2 day workshop with him. Paying attention to the signs and one simple YES led to so much goodness.
I saw the vision of what was to come next in my work so clearly in that meditation. The work piece of the reading was showing up. I knew this trip was about work. That wasn't as surprising to me as it was to Kayla but I thought I was there to write a new course and I was learning at warp speed that it wasn't exactly what I thought it was going to be. I saw people sitting in a circle smiling back at me. Some of the faces I knew immediately, some I didn't know. It was a retreat not a written course that was waiting to be born. That part was surprising to me.
I came to know myself on a whole new level through this journey in Bali. I came to truly embrace the forward motion of my life instead of resisting and pushing so hard all the time. I used to live from a place of intense striving. It was well intentioned, I was doing the best I could but there was a big feeling of too-much-ness in my life and in my body. I felt internally frayed most of the time. I'd sit in my office and work for 8-10-12-14 hours a day, 6 days a week. Working. Striving. Pushing. I'd say to myself over and over "nothing is created in overwhelm" yet I'd sit there and plug away. I had no idea how to truly detach. Bali (and the spotty internet service) taught me how to release my expectations and the reading showed me it was possible to live in grace.
At some point on the trip I accepted the truths that life is not meant to be hard and I don't have to continue to needlessly suffer based on the past and what I'm making up about the future. I learned how to live in the generous present and that gripping feeling of anxiety dissolved into the nothingness it came from.
The reading said, "You are being turned inside out like that toy and all your fears are going to be exposed, which is way uncomfortable. But it will pop back and there will be this huge energetic release. Don’t fight the process." The work I did through those days and nights in meditation, being dry as the desert unable to cry just sitting there in my anger and rage truly sucked. Then feeling and hearing the audible gasps and sobs of release left me feeling completely exposed. As exposed as I'd ever felt. It was work. I believe it was some of the most worthy work of my life. That I had the reassurance in words from Kayla's reading felt like the promise that I would be able to bend and then break and that it was ok to lean hard into it and welcome the change. I was being broken open for my highest good, for my own healing and to release the into possibility of inexplicable joy.
It was in the last week and a half of the trip that I felt my internal system repairing. The frayed feeling was going and my strength was returning. I used to explain it to Cliff like this... I am like a rope and the end has been dipped in wax to keep it all together. In the morning I feel solid but as the day progresses by about 2 pm I feel the wax has worn and bits of rope have started to come undone. By 6 pm I'm just one frizzy, uncontainable mess. Then we have dinner. We sit, we chat. I begin to come back to center. Bedtime and sleep brings a fresh coating of wax and the day repeats itself again until I'm spent, weak, sad, suffering. Pretty clear image, right? It was an unnecessarily hard way to live!
I accepted that I really can create the life I want (and that one has been rippling out ever since). This photo was my last full day on Gili Air Island. I walked down the beach to snorkel and it poured rain. I snorkeled in the rain and then walked back to the place that was home base. I remember feeling an acute awareness that I was not worried about anything. I was at peace. I was happy. I was at home in myself, transformed by love and a willingness to see and live in the truth. Since that time it's only gotten better.
Your story is waiting to be lived and the signs are everywhere. You don't have to keep repeating the same days over and over (unless you want to). Are you ready? You'll know when you hear the call. Answer it bravely and then enlist support in the form that speaks to you. For me it was time in a far away land, a reading and intentional, consistent meditation.
Thank you for receiving my story with love. I am sending you love on your journey. May it just keep getting better! Lacy
My birthday was this past Saturday. I turned 36. THIRTY SIX! Beyond feeling really grown up it feels big in my body, like somehow this year is going to blow my mind in ways I can't possibly imagine. My birthday wish was to have a getaway weekend with Cliff, to sit in mud, soak in mineral pools and have the hot kind of sex that hotels and getaway weekends invite. We did just that and I was reminded how important it is to get away, out of the small space of our RV and our daily routine. It was renewal on all levels.
As I moved through the mud bath process I was in meditation on what I want for this year. I'm sitting there in the hot squish of what smells reminiscent of our composting toilet with the faintest echo of orange essential oil that the lady sprayed to "help" with the smell and I'm asking myself...
What do I want 36 to look like? Why is this mud so flipping hot? What's calling me? What's ready to be born? Seriously, how much longer am I going to bake in here? What's begging to be let go of? What do I want for my business? What do I want for my relationships?
I zoomed in and zoomed out. I listened to all that came up in my body and mind. By the time the mud was rinsed off and I was on to the next phase sitting in a bubbling tub of mineral water I knew what I wanted. My hope in sharing all this is that you feel expansion in your life and clarity around what you want to create this year.
As you read through notice what comes up for you. There will be some things that really resonate and leave you with charged and excited feelings of OMG I WANT THAT and others will raise resistance in you. You may find that you have stories as to why you can't do this or that or why something isn't for you. Just observe and let it all wash over you. It's all good information. I'm not saying that any of this stuff is also good for you... only you know the answer to that. If you want to take action in your own life you'll know... you'll feel inspired to move. And if you want to read along and say Happy Birthday that's totally awesome too!
For my 36th year here's what's staying, changing and getting added into my life. And because I love a life filled with intentional affirmations I've given them all affirming titles. Feel free to grab some of them and post em up on your bathroom mirror or somewhere you'll see them.
I HAVE A NOURISHING MORNING ROUTINE
For about the last year I've given myself the assignment to wake up and fall in love with my life in the most sincere way possible. How you create the day before you ever leave bed is SO POWERFUL. I do so in the moments just before I open my eyes. As soon as I start to wake up I stretch and roll around a bit in bed and then say nice things that usually go something like, "Good Morning Lacy! You're wonderful and I LOVE YOU! Only right and good action is happening in your life." Then I look at Cliff and tell him good morning and that he is wonderful! From there I get out of bed, pee, brush my teeth, put on a robe and go to the "front of the bus" (aka the living room) to meditate on how I want to feel that day. Some days it's 10 minutes, some days it's an hour. I prepare my morning elixir. I sit and sip quietly with Ned and Cliff or we begin buzzing about the RV and I grab my phone to look at what is planned in my day. I love this practice and I love coming back to it each day. One day soon it will feel like an effortless extension of how I live just like brushing my teeth and feeding Ned. I see more downtime, more stillness (my word this year) and less urgency to grab my phone and get right to it.
I EMBRACE MEDITATION
I'm adding meditation a second time each day. I was trying it at night, by laying in bed and listening to a guided meditation on You Tube on my phone but that meant that 1. the phone would end up spending the night in bed with us which feels SO WRONG and 2. I was having crazy vivid dreams all night and not the most restful sleep. So the plan now is to 1. leave the phone out of our bedroom at night with the ringer off and 2. try meditating in the evening. It's a suggestion my little sister offered... "happy hour" meditation. I like the sound of that! So this week that's the plan.
I LET GO OF ALL THAT IS NO LONGER SERVING ME
When I was sitting in the mud and then the water I asked that my intuition be undeniable and that my body not only speak clearly but reject any foods, beverages, practices and thoughts that are not serving me. I may regret this one in moments later but I felt pulled to it. I feel like the Universe was just waiting for me to say, Ok, now I'm ready. Last year I asked repeatedly for unknown expansion for my highest good and I got the unknown! Some of it was really, really hard and some of it was amazing. This ask feels big like that one. Complete rejection of all that is no longer serving me. I'm ready. Whew. Game on.
I ASK FOR WHAT I NEED WITH EASE
Last year was my year of coming into profound and unapologetic truth telling with myself and with others. That feels like a combination of experience and wisdom for me. It just feels so good and freeing. Part of that practice has been asking for what I need more and more. It's something I'm still really working on and lately I am asking for re-do's with Cliff and explaining what just happened in an effort to both tell the truth and ask for the support I need in the moment.
For example... last night we got home from our getaway with groceries for the week and my immediate response was dread. I didn't want to do the work of cleaning out the fridge to put away the new groceries which would inevitably lead to me washing dishes and cleaning up the house and doing a list of chores that I felt needed to be done. Instead of asking for help or voicing my feelings I reflexed into making a deep audible sigh and then paused before I started digging into the grocery bags. Cliff got himself something to drink and I looked at him and said, "ask me if I want something, please." It was so snide and underhanded and he saw right through me. It was in that moment that I also saw right through me. His response was --- "woah, what just happened there?" I was able to voice everything I was feeling and we sorted through it really quickly. We put the groceries away together and left the dishes. No drama. Next time I'll try to remember to share my feelings before I get all huffy. See what I mean? Work in progress.
I AM COMPLETE IN EACH MOMENT
I've been giving myself permission to be complete in each task, in each moment. That translates to no more multi-tasking with one exception. The only time I multi-task now is on Facetime with my sister. I wash dishes and we chat. It's the best and I'm keeping it.
As we were making our way from Texas to California earlier this month in the RV I made the decision to delete Facebook, Twitter and E-mail from my phone in support of my goal to be complete in each task. HOLY CRAP I've never felt more organized, complete and less anxiety around all things social! It was hard to hit the X to make them go away and then hard to break the reflex of wanting to make the rounds on my phone to check in... I kept thinking OMG am I going to missing something? Be less connected? And then I realized that being less connected is a really good thing, it means I can be connected more meaningfully. Since that time I've had phone dates with girl friends and more intentional connections on social media. It's crazy liberating. Now I sit down at my computer, process email and make the rounds and I'm done. No more reading emails from my phone that never get answered. No more interruption in my thoughts.
I EAT SIMPLY
I swore that I wasn't going to change the way I eat everyday around the holidays but I did. I blame Torchy's Tacos in Austin (I'm mostly kidding, that place is amazing! It's a MUST experience when you're in Texas). I ate way too much cheese and sugar and I've felt the impact. I'm coming home to simple eating and the practices that feel best in my body. Water upon waking. Breakfast just after morning meditations. Lunch between 12 and 2 and my biggest meal of the day. Dinner before 6. No eating after dark and making sure that there's 10 hours between my last meal and breakfast. Herbal tea throughout the day as I want it. My all time favorite is peppermint and lately I'm cycling through ginger and a blend I bought in Bali for my Ayurvedic dosha (I'm a vata) with fennel, galangal, ginger, nutmeg, cinnamon, cumin, clove and anise. It's so good and I feel like I'm doing something good for my body so it's a win/win.
I LIVE SIMPLY
I'm continuing to embrace living simply. Moving into an RV was a gift. My connection to stuff will never be the same. Cliff said it best in his birthday card to me, "Our needs are fewer and our love is deeper." It's true. Stripping down has woken us up to our lives and desires. It's been an unearthing, a re-birth and a monumental shift and I can't wait to see what else unfolds for us as a couple and individuals as a result of these really big changes.
I WORK WITH PEOPLE WHO SEE THEIR WORTH
This year I'm calling for women + men who are ready to do the work. I learned the hard way last year... There are times that I meet someone and my heart explodes into this big gooey empathetic vat of I CAN HELP HER/HIM and my desire is so big it's almost big enough for both of us. But the truth is that never works. My desire will never be big enough for the both of us. You have to want it. And you have to be ready. This year I'm stepping out of my own way when it comes to my business and my clients. I'm not in the business of convincing anyone to do anything and this isn't a Lacy Funded Charity.
Side bar :: My friend Tim gave it to me straight about being in business for yourself... for myself. At the time it felt like tough love and looking back these years later I see his advice as a gift. It's been a solid measure for my work over the years as I ask myself... am I making any money at this or am I involved in a really high energy output charity of my own making? If the answer is ever, "Yeap... charity." Then I circle the wagons and recalibrate. His words went something like.... There's a time of building. That's not what I'm talking about. You'll raise your prices and lower them and raise them again until you find the sweet spot for your work but always keep in mind that even though you feel so strongly and your heart is so big, this is NOT A LACY FUNDED CHARITY. That doesn't feed you or pay your bills. It's not a good energy exchange and it's not good business. Ouch. Ok. Noted. Got it.
If you're reading this now and you're feeling goose bumps (aka truth bumps) of I KNOW MY WORTH, I'M READY. Message me. I have currently have two spots open for 1:1 clients and there is space in Togetherness Tuesday Drop In Health Coaching. Join me. Join us. Let me love you deeply and support you in pursuit of your goals. You are worth it.
When I got the call to do Shift Retreat this year it was undeniable. I knew I HAD to do it, it is a calling and I answered with a resounding YES. It took bravery to push the button and put it out there for all of you to consider and it is taking trust that you will also answer the call with a YES. I can already see some of your faces (and I've told most of you as much. Some of you I've waited/ am waiting to see if you will message me because why the heck not. Let's have some fun and test out the ole Universe).
If you are meant to be there you will know. It is all happening May 16 - 23, 2015 in Costa Rica. The journey begins the moment you feel the call. That we are traveling to Costa Rica is pure intention. I know that you will have to move some mountains in your life to set aside the time and the money to be a part of Shift (see the worth thing showing up again?! So good, right!). You can read all about the retreat over at LacyYoungRetreats.com and if you'd like information on future retreats you can join the list here.
I USE THE INTERNET FOR GOOD
This year I want to use the internet to raise my vibes and yours. From simple feel good stuff to legit learning. Here are my latest favorites:
I MAKE A GREAT LIVING AND HAVE PLENTY OF MONEY IN THE BANK
As a part of my own worthiness work I am giving myself permission to make more than I've ever made and save more than I've ever saved this year. My goal is to save 20% of everything I make this year and I will be learning how to invest my money for the first time in my life. No more handing my money to someone else and saying here you figure this out. It's time and I'm ready.
To growing older, learning more with each passing day and continuing to listen to the desires of your heart.
I love you with every one of my 36 years. Lacy