As I'm prepping to host Shift retreat this May I've been spending time in reflection on the events that set this all in motion and on the bravery that I know each participant will be summoning to do this profound work. If you feel called you can apply to join us here. In November last year I felt a strong pull to up and go to Bali. I laugh now even as I type that because I know how crazy it sounds. It was a feeling inside that was supported by three solid validations (finding a book while cleaning out a closet, seeing an image on Instagram and winning tickets to Oprah that I didn't register for). In 24 hours I booked a ticket. And it was done. I was excited. I was terrified. I was as ready as I could be. I had no idea how important the trip would become.
When Cliff dropped me off at the airport I was full to the brim with anxiety, uncertainty and fear. This was my first time to travel alone. All I knew was that for the next 30 days I was going to be with myself in a place I'd never been, doing things I'd never done. I cried as he dropped me off and we hugged and kissed goodbye. I cried as I checked in. I cried all the way through security (which did speed things up quite a bit). I finally pulled myself together at the gate. After I boarded, the flight attendant handed me a warm towel and I put my face into it and just sobbed.
I show you this photo now not so you'll feel sorry for me (I was on my way to Bali, after all) but so you'll see the progression of change in my face throughout this trip. I knew I had to go. I wanted it and I feared it at the same time.
A few days into the trip I woke up at 3 am feeling like I was being called to. I laid in bed (and took a selfie, as one does) and listened. I felt peaceful but like something was definitely happening. Later that day I spoke with my sister and learned that was the exact moment she was doing and Angel Reading and meditating on me. When she sent me the reading I felt gratitude for every single word. So much of it resonated. So much of it was deeply affirming. I read it nearly everyday for the rest of my trip. It became my True North and a tether to the truth I was seeking.
The following is my reading. I ask that you hold it with the kind of tenderness that you would a newborn. It feels like opening up the pages of my most cherished journal despite the fact that these words are not from me. They were channeled through my sweet sister.
Oh sister, your energy is palpable. I can feel you and the movement in your body. Todd is there with you, which is so interesting to me. I have not felt him in some time but he has shown up twice in your reading, once as guiding you in the recent past and now again as an overarching presence in this phase of life you’re in. He is greasing the wheel so-to-speak. He is witnessing your return to your inner child, and he is blessing your journey inward. Call on him. Speak to him. Ask him questions. He will give you direct answers. Trust the answers when you receive them. You are sensitive through the dream world and through messages from people. Expect answers this way and trust the signs as you read them.
This trip into yourself is going to be the undoing of you in some ways. That can sound scary, ominous, but it is pure, true freedom, I promise you. Lean into the unknown. Lean into the icky. Lean into the sense of discombobulation. You will not feel grounded for some time. This is purposeful. You are stripping yourself free of all your identities, of all the things that keep you locked in the stories that make it easier for you to remain in your dysfunction. There is a reason you live above the ground now. Did you realize that? They showed me that. Your RV. You don’t touch the ground. You are floating just above it. Ungrounded. You are unrooting in this identity that you are SO deeply entangled in so that you may reroot and reroute in another. That is when you will know the RV journey is complete, when you are completely detached from the roots that were. You will live on ground again, and the roots will be of health and vitality instead of fear and pain.
I know you already have plans to get still and to just be, but they are telling me this big time. Seriously. Even if you laid in your hotel room for 30 days and did nothing but rest and meditate and saw nothing of Bali. The trip is not about what you will see or what is physically there for you. It is literally the distance that you needed to create to run that far from the identity you’ve created with your energy. You needed to be halfway around the world from your creation. So Bali works. There is magic there, yes. And healing, yes. But only because you are there creating it.
Do you remember those dome shaped plastic things we played with as kids? You turn them inside out and set them out, and then they pop way into the air. I was shown that as a personal image in my own meditation today but it is being applied to you as well. You are being turned inside out like that toy and all your fears are going to be exposed, which is way uncomfortable. But it will pop back and there will be this huge energetic release. Don’t fight the process.
As for the cards, I draw 3-4 cards that tell you of your recent past, present and where you will be in the future if you follow the advice regarding the present. There is also a general guidance card which is the overarching theme for your reading and life right now.
Knight of Earth - General meaning is that it is time to buckle down and get things done, to honor your commitments. A guardian angel is present.
Knight cards indicate a masculine presence. This can be either physical or spiritual but in your case I sense someone on both sides, meaning an actual person in your life and a spirit watching you. The knight of earth is a person who is loyal, dedicated, honorable and kind. They are a nature and animal lover who may be a vegetarian. Detail-oriented. Diligent. Thoughtful. Honorable. Kind.
You have been being watched over and cared for energetically by the male energies in your life lately. Cliff, Todd, and your own sense of masculine energy. These are the strong soft energies that have been holding you up to this point.
This card indicates renewed motivation, that if there was an energetic slump you are seeing your way through to the other side. It signifies increased abundance, business travel, and a guardian angel. The business travel was particularly poignant for me because I’m being shown how much this trip to Bali is about your business and what comes next for you. You’ve been telling the people in your life that this trip is about healing your trachea (and there will be some of that as a secondary effect) but the truth is that this is a business trip for you. There is much soul work to be done and an unwinding of you in relation to your profession. The piece about writing your next course is more important than the trachea healing. You will only heal by living your life from a place of authenticity and joy. Healing can’t be the goal. Does that make sense? Joy has to be the goal. Healing is a side effect. You don’t set out to heal. You set out to find peace. Healing just happens.
This card nods to the fact that you just came out of a very task-focused period…honoring promises and commitments, attending to details and being thorough. That very structured, very masculine energy will subside and you will find more flow in the feminine. The work was important and the busyness and progress got you to the now. But that part is over. Time to soften.
Earth cards are about the material world and show that you have been very materially focused in the recent past. Work, home, money, security, etc - these all fall under the earth suit.
Release - Archangel Azrael - General meaning of this card is the end of a phase or situation. Spiritual transformation. Time to move on.
Well no surprises here! This card is all about transformation and moving forward. “Inevitable positive changes.” This card signifies that it’s time to move on because this project or phase of your life is now complete. There’s no benefit in remaining in this situation. Instead shake off the old and welcome the new. You may have a sense of relief or there may be some sadness, but either way it’s time to leave that which you’ve outgrown.
Take your time in adjusting to these changes. There’s no need to rush ahead. Be kind to yourself during this period of transition and seek the support of family and friends.
Additional meanings of this card are facing your fears, relationship transitions and spiritual evolution.
It’s interesting to me how much work stuff is coming through on this one. Perhaps that’s not news to you, but I’m getting really clear messaging about how tied up energetically you’ve been in your work and building your business. Completing the last social media consulting project is definitely being nodded to here, but there is a MUCH bigger shift being alluded to. I know you keep focusing on age 10 and healing with that part of your life for your throat, but there is a message here loud and clear sis that this work entanglement is playing its part in your health as well. Ironic too since you’re a health coach. There will be lots of self-discovery around that.
This journey of spiritual evolution is going to be about worth as well. You are really trying to assert your worth as a 10 year old and as a career person, and this spiritual journey is going to strip you down to seeing your intrinsic worth, even if it hurts a little in the process. Stubbornness will only hinder this journey, so it’s time to breathe into all the sticky areas that you’ve been holding out on exploring. Exploration is a word that keeps coming up again and again for you. This trip, this moment, this present creation in your life is about exploration, about exploring yourself with detached curiosity, about letting go of the parts of you that you’re stubbornly holding onto so as to preserve the big heavy story you get to carry around.
Archangel Azrael heals your heart when changes and losses bring about grieving. Call upon Azrael to help you move forward fearlessly and let go of the past. It’s going to be really really important to let go of the past. Stop telling the same stories. You’re keeping that alive by breathing life into the stories.
Ten of Water - A contented and rewarding family life. Your emotional and material needs are met. Trustworthy relationship.
This is a really beautiful, straight-forward card. Its message is clear and simple. Life is good. It speaks of harmony in your family and relationships and great feelings of love and blessings. Your needs (both emotional and material) are met, and you will be surrounded by peace, joy and unconditional love.
Additional meanings of this card are happy marriage, positive relationships with children, security and taking care of family members.
The thing that stands about this card for your reading is its simplicity. It’s so full of love and peace and joy, but the message requires little explanation. What is ahead for you? Simplicity.
The water suit is about the depths of emotions, intuition and psychic abilities. It’s quite interesting how your reading progresses from a heavy focus on the material world with the earth suit through a spiritual release and into the flowing peace of the emotional water suit. You are headed toward more connection with the things that matter. It’s interesting too that in the first two cards I heard lots and lots about your business and all the busyness, and now it’s just peace. They’re not even throwing you a bone about the linear about the structure of what comes next in this exploration of profession and worth and you. Just peace. It’s kind of frustrating and completely fucking perfect at the same time.
There is an interesting sense of quiet I’m getting about what’s coming next for you. Your voice literally being quieted for a while. A going within. Content. Peaceful. Still. This will be a change more for the people around you than you, as it will feel natural for you, a next logical step. They’re just telling me to honor this for you. To give yourself permission and be easy with yourself during this period of silence.
The Wheel - Archangel Michael - A time of positive change. A situation suddenly moves forward. Fortune is on your side. “The wheel of fortune”
Sister, this card is epic. It’s big. In all the readings I’ve done in these last 2 years, I’ve never drawn this card. It’s that good. So here’s what the book says and then I’ll tell you what else they’re telling me. Remember this is the overarching theme of your reading and your energy at this point.
The angels sent you this card because of positive changes occurring in your life. Expect and enjoy beneficial new opportunities as they present themselves. This is an optimal time to make big and small changes. Take the leap with the knowledge that everything will work well for you.
Old blocks are lifting and everything now moves forward quickly. If recent events shook your faith, you’ll now see how they were positive for you. Rapid advancement is likely now.
Additional meanings of this card are good luck, a happy accident, balanced karma, a miracle, a twist of fate, destiny.
Archangel Michael is the supreme protecting angel who walks beside you through changes, giving you courage, strength and self-confidence. Call upon Michael whenever you’d like specific guidance about your next step, especially if it’s connected to your life purpose or spiritual path.
A word about Michael…. He is a healer of confidence and wants to make the path clear for YOU to do the work and make the steps forward. You won’t feel hand-held with him, but you’ll know you’re being guided.
The picture depicts Michael powerfully in the middle of a wheel of all the astrological signs and all four elements of earth, air, fire and water. Some kind of karma has dissolved and is transmuting for you currently. This means that cosmically you’re poised for big shifts, and the Universe is opening up for you. You’ll feel like you have more options because you’ll feel less constricted by those unknown forces that tug at your being. You’ll feel lighter, more open.
As a general theme for your reading, obviously this is really positive (and trust me, I’ve seen negative). The message I’m getting is for you to trust the bigger picture. They gave you this card and are showing you this message kind of as a sneak preview of what’s to come. There will be darkness. The work is never easy, but this is supposed to show you how aligned you are with the way right now. The wheel is turning and it would take far more effort for you to stop it than for it to just keep on trucking forward. Breathe into that and trust when the road gets bumpy that the wheel of fortune is humming right along.
Overall sister this is such a beautiful story, and I hope it gives you a sense of confidence and space. They are showing me how much this trip means to you personally and professionally even if you don’t altogether realize it. It’s not so much about your breathing. It’s about finding the childlike joy. It’s about finding your feminine. It’s about moving from earth to water. It’s about ripping up rotted roots so you can plant a sapling and love it up.
You are so divinely loved and there is a sense of falling away all around you. Like the leaves fall from the trees each autumn. Except it’s entire branches. They’re just falling off one by one, and you’re feeling the breeze. You’re finally seeing the view. You’re realizing you weren’t as constricted as you always felt. There is a great opening and a great softening. Flow with it. Don’t worry about agendas or reporting back what you accomplished or what you saw. This time is about pruning.
I love you so so much! Feel free to ask any questions and I’ll answer as best they guide me.
You have so many you can call on. Michael for guidance and to clear the way. Azrael for healing and release. Todd for laughs and encouragement. Call on them. You are absolutely positively not alone.
Each time I read through the reading while I was in Bali I saw and felt something new. The feeling of being seen and supported still brings me to tears. "You are absolutely positively not alone" echoes in my heart all the time.
This photo was after an epic 5 hour long spa day. The day ended with a cream hair treatment and then the girl attempted to style my hair with a blow dry. Brush + blow dryer on curly hair is always a recipe for disaster but something in me just allowed it all to unfold and I have never been more infused with simple joy and laugher. I walked out of the spa looking like this and it was awesome. Healing was already well underway but I was too busy having fun to realize it.
Going back through the reading now I feel so proud that I listened, that I was soft and allowing. The reading said, "You are sensitive through the dream world and through messages from people." I paid attention to both.
I met a girl, Lindsey, for dinner one night that I'd only previously known on the internet (she helped create my app!) and she invited me to go do a reading with her and to a meditation class. The meditation class felt like a good idea so I went. I was blown away at the power of the meditation. Blown away! I attended that mediation again and then a 1:1 session with the guy who leads it named Punnu and then a 2 day workshop with him. Paying attention to the signs and one simple YES led to so much goodness.
I saw the vision of what was to come next in my work so clearly in that meditation. The work piece of the reading was showing up. I knew this trip was about work. That wasn't as surprising to me as it was to Kayla but I thought I was there to write a new course and I was learning at warp speed that it wasn't exactly what I thought it was going to be. I saw people sitting in a circle smiling back at me. Some of the faces I knew immediately, some I didn't know. It was a retreat not a written course that was waiting to be born. That part was surprising to me.
I came to know myself on a whole new level through this journey in Bali. I came to truly embrace the forward motion of my life instead of resisting and pushing so hard all the time. I used to live from a place of intense striving. It was well intentioned, I was doing the best I could but there was a big feeling of too-much-ness in my life and in my body. I felt internally frayed most of the time. I'd sit in my office and work for 8-10-12-14 hours a day, 6 days a week. Working. Striving. Pushing. I'd say to myself over and over "nothing is created in overwhelm" yet I'd sit there and plug away. I had no idea how to truly detach. Bali (and the spotty internet service) taught me how to release my expectations and the reading showed me it was possible to live in grace.
At some point on the trip I accepted the truths that life is not meant to be hard and I don't have to continue to needlessly suffer based on the past and what I'm making up about the future. I learned how to live in the generous present and that gripping feeling of anxiety dissolved into the nothingness it came from.
The reading said, "You are being turned inside out like that toy and all your fears are going to be exposed, which is way uncomfortable. But it will pop back and there will be this huge energetic release. Don’t fight the process." The work I did through those days and nights in meditation, being dry as the desert unable to cry just sitting there in my anger and rage truly sucked. Then feeling and hearing the audible gasps and sobs of release left me feeling completely exposed. As exposed as I'd ever felt. It was work. I believe it was some of the most worthy work of my life. That I had the reassurance in words from Kayla's reading felt like the promise that I would be able to bend and then break and that it was ok to lean hard into it and welcome the change. I was being broken open for my highest good, for my own healing and to release the into possibility of inexplicable joy.
It was in the last week and a half of the trip that I felt my internal system repairing. The frayed feeling was going and my strength was returning. I used to explain it to Cliff like this... I am like a rope and the end has been dipped in wax to keep it all together. In the morning I feel solid but as the day progresses by about 2 pm I feel the wax has worn and bits of rope have started to come undone. By 6 pm I'm just one frizzy, uncontainable mess. Then we have dinner. We sit, we chat. I begin to come back to center. Bedtime and sleep brings a fresh coating of wax and the day repeats itself again until I'm spent, weak, sad, suffering. Pretty clear image, right? It was an unnecessarily hard way to live!
I accepted that I really can create the life I want (and that one has been rippling out ever since). This photo was my last full day on Gili Air Island. I walked down the beach to snorkel and it poured rain. I snorkeled in the rain and then walked back to the place that was home base. I remember feeling an acute awareness that I was not worried about anything. I was at peace. I was happy. I was at home in myself, transformed by love and a willingness to see and live in the truth. Since that time it's only gotten better.
Your story is waiting to be lived and the signs are everywhere. You don't have to keep repeating the same days over and over (unless you want to). Are you ready? You'll know when you hear the call. Answer it bravely and then enlist support in the form that speaks to you. For me it was time in a far away land, a reading and intentional, consistent meditation.
Thank you for receiving my story with love. I am sending you love on your journey. May it just keep getting better! Lacy