Last year I continually asked for the unknown to show up in my life and this year it is still happening. Some days I fully embrace it, some days I trip and fall on my own resistance. I’m learning to love them all equally. I’ve been meditating daily, some days two or three times. I’m moving my body in ways that feel supportive, running, stretching and doing exercises. I’m eating my veggies, sleeping and drinking plenty of water. There are so many boxes getting checked and yet these past few days I have been walking around like I was tied to a boat anchor. GAH! What gives? Quite simply I forgot some essentials... I forgot that everything is perfect as is. I forgot my vitamin L (love). I forgot that everything happens automatically.
I wasn’t being loving with myself. I was going through all the motions but running these really old programs in my head that said 'this + that is not good enough and you should really start panicking any moment.' I was spending way too much time worrying about the future. It was pretty comical really. I'd get up at 5:30 am in the morning and spend an entire hour meditating in presence and then at precisely 6:45 am I'd find myself worried about months from now.
Today I decided that enough was enough and I did what any self-respecting female would do. I went to Target. Seriously, Target was part of my self-care today. I mean, $10 organic conditioner, new kitchen sponges, a good smelling soy candle and a couple packets of Jason’s Nut Butter can’t hurt. My capsule wardrobe has saved me oodles on buying random clothes but it hasn’t kept me from the rest of the store. So it was Target first, happy hour meditation next.
I did my sisters amazing Cutting the Cord meditation half a dozen times. I’m not kidding. It took SIX times but I finally cut all the cords that were weighing me down. One-by-one I cut the cord from my body to the thing that was adding to what I was feeling. Some I let go of lovingly and they melted away, others I wanted to give a giant fuck all, which is why I had to do it six times.
Friends, I’m here to tell you it really is all perfect especially in the moments when you want to scream profanities. I say go for it if that makes it feel better. I have been trying to curse more lately because it feels so damn good. It moves energy and resistance in big ways. When I get overwhelmed that's my cue that I’m resisting something.
What I know is that I always have had everything I need and I always will. That brings me great comfort. When I look back at the timeline of my life I never imagined that I’d be living in an RV in love with a tremendous human and one fur face little old man (Ned will be 15 this year).
I see that my perceived physical limitations are really blessings and I accept my breathing everyday in any form it shows up in that day. Acceptance and lack of judgment creates space in my life and my body for easy breathing to move through me. If you live with any kind of physical pain or discomfort this is for you to really listen to. Seriously, read this whole part again.
When we can learn how to be with and love ourselves not only through the muck but LOVE the freaking muck itself then we will all be free. That's where I'm at. I'm in the stage of moving from seeking freedom to embodying it. I'm learning to love it all... the joy, the pain, the sickness and health. Cliff and I didn't say traditional vows but I'm having a crazy ah-ha moment writing this right now and thinking about the vows we take to share life together in its entirety. It's all perfect, beautiful, infuriating, riveting, engaging and just so worth it. Following this I will be writing some vows to speak to myself and I invite you to join me if you feel moved to do so.
Hoping that sharing real time experience is as helpful for you as it is therapeutic for me.