I left most of my suffering behind in my 20's only after desperately trying to suffer well. As if there was some kind of reward in being a martyr. I was raised that you "suck it up" and "get to work." Crying was met with "dry it up or I'll give you something to cry about." That mentality served me for a long time. It made me into a do-er but it left me exhausted, just too much striving energy. It was a roller coaster that lead to self loathing and perpetuated unhealthy habits. It usually looked something like this...
The end of a long day at a job I hated (my time in corporate America is now just a chapter in my life but at the time it felt like I was slowly bleeding out). Car ride home -- conversation in my head... shall I make something for dinner or order out? Pick something up? Maybe just ice cream? I just want to get out of these pants. This button has been digging into my stomach for the last 9 hours 27 minutes and 36 seconds. Ok yes, stretchy pants first and dinner second.
A pint of Ben + Jerry's or frozen pizza would lead to extreme guilt which would lead to eating more because I've already come this far so why not? I will do better tomorrow. I'll skip breakfast, no maybe just some oatmeal. We are supposed to eat breakfast, right? Tomorrow would come and I'd wake up feeling fat, puffy and look in the mirror to prove it yet again. Yeap- good morning fat ass and so the day begins.
You could see why I was so tortured. I had no idea what I was doing to myself! I figured if I buckled down, got really serious, got myself to the gym and stopped eating ice cream and pizza life would be perfect. I'd be thin and everything would magically work out.
I was so mislead. I was so stuck. I'd tried everything I could think of but I hit the wall. I needed help. Being gentle was the answer. Getting coaching was the answer. Making slow and steady step-by-step changes was the answer. I went from a hard core, must suffer, must sweat to see progress, sharp edges, super intense girl to a softer, more forgiving woman. I gave up suffering and holy crap, I actually lost the weight too.
I wake up now and look at myself in the mirror and say, "Lacy you are wonderful and I love you!" I say nice things to myself all day long. The days of fat pinching and self loathing are long gone. I can't tell you the last time I sat down and ate an entire anything out of desperation. Now if I eat pizza I make or buy an incredible pizza with incredible ingredients. I eat as much as I want and I enjoy every. single. bite.
Wondering... where could you be a little nicer to yourself? Have you given up suffering yet?
You are beautiful + I love you, Lacy