Found 365

WOW! I found this and I am in awe of anyone who can do anything for 365 days and since she's 30 too it hit a soft spot in me. This gals got a new found fan in me. I will be rooting for her 365 and the process of understanding who she is at this particular moment in her life. Go Erin go!

I've spent almost 4 hours already this weekend just writing. I keep a journal but it's usually a doodle here, a jot there but rarely hours of sitting and writing. I've been writing about me... writing about my life post surgery. It was recently brought to my attention too many times to ignore that I am the dreaded "different" post tracheal resection. And here I was trying not to talk about it much because I feel like it gets old... yeah yeah yeah we all know, you had your throat cut open, ok you're good now right? Right! Ok move on? Yeah hard to move on when people keep saying how changed you are because of the whole deal.

Thing is that no one has said it's a good thing. They just look at me confused, a little sad, with question marks in their eyes and say "you're different now." Ouch! Let me just say that I will be adding those words to my list of things you probably should not say to just anyone like "oh how did he die?"

But it makes a girl think... maybe I shouldn't be trying to so hard to move on right away. Maybe I need to swim in it a bit longer til my fingers get all pruny and I can truly walk from it stronger, knowing myself better than ever. Or maybe the whole world doesn't revolve around me. I know, shocker right! But really maybe it is less about me and more about them negotiating our new relationship since I am a new me. Perhaps it is more about figuring out our new roles and dynamics and less about just me?

I am working on figuring it all out... It's hard to know what people expect my response to be. It is hard to know why people keep bringing it up. Do I just say yeap, I know, thank you! Do I provide more of an explanation? I don't feel like I should have to explain who I am, how I've changed and why I am not yelling, the center of attention, life of the party anymore. Well first off I can't physically yell anymore. I can't sing like I used to, I can't do the squeaky excited girl voice. I can't be who I was, I have to just be who I am. And who I am is extremely grateful that I get to breathe (without a trach tube) and live a full life. I look at my scar everyday and say thank you as I slather on the sunscreen. I've earned it, it saved me and I am grateful.

Like I said, I'm figuring it out but for now this is what I know for sure. The journey to breathe was profoundly painful and desperately lonely. I fought everyday not to let it drag me into a sort of half life. It was years of battling, years... and years will certainly change a person. What I know for sure is that I am evolving. Aren't we all in ways big and small? I am exploring, growing, learning, loving, beginning, flourishing, transforming.

I AM different.
I am new.
I am fixed.
I am breathing.
I am creative.
I am passionate.
I am still me.