This space has become a bit of an open journal lately and for those of you who have hung in with me I thank you. ✨
Since getting home from Peru I have been insular. Quiet. There's so much processing still happening and at night I swear I have been in ceremony and that Aya is still working on me. My dreams are more vivid than they've ever been and I've always had really epic dreams. There is so much that I feel is HEALED and other things that are just beginning their healing process. ✨
I've eased back into work and yesterday was overcome with gratitude for doing coaching calls and spending time with clients who have become dear in my life. I remembered how much I love my work. I remembered how good it feels to step into full focus on someone else and ignite my powerful perspective. I remembered how good I am at holding space for others going through a process. ✨
Remembering has been one of the best parts of coming home. It's as if I've been reborn and get to discover everything all over again. As a result it's been really easy to keep what feels good and ditch the rest without apology. I am spending my days much more freely than I used to and giving myself all I need - there have been many baths, naps with Ned, watched the entire season of Stranger Things with Cliff and one incredibly worth while vegan whoopie pie.
The Final Ceremony
One of the metaphors I've heard and really appreciate is that Ayahuasca can help to categorize your life into books and once you've been cleaned by the medicine they can be neatly placed on the shelf. 📚
Our final ceremony was the perfect ending to this trip. Energy was transmuted with the help of the Icaros, visions brought final bits of healing and it was the first and only time I didn't purge! 🙌🏼 I have addressed many life stories known and previously unknown in these last two weeks. I felt proud to put many books on the shelf. I feel satisfied with my efforts and incredibly grateful.
Ceremony 7
I have received care in many hospitals over these last 13 years but I've never felt so loved, held and sure of healing.
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Ceremony 7 reminded me that every night is COMPLETELY different and though my questions were answered it was in wildly unexpected ways. My healing has been like that all the way through - unexpected and illuminating. Despite negotiating the cleaning process, which for me has been quite physical, I am enjoying clarity in each moment. I really know what I know.
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This place, our group, the gorgeous couple we came here with (Cvita and Markus who are both Shaman and I can't recommend highly enough) are the epitome of love, non judgement and the power of having a village. Any time I've had a hard ceremony the group has rallied around me, held space for my healing, sang extra songs, sat with me, and held my hand. I'm reminded that healing dis-ease is a deeply personal path made bearable with the right helpers and healers showing up along the way.
3 Parts
There are three parts to the Ayahuasca journey. Not everyone experiences all three but generally this is how it goes. First you see visions. Second you relive parts of your life and dark energies that need to be cleaned are exposed. This is the part where it's helpful to muster extra bravery. And third you are clean and can now travel to other dimensions, be connected with beauty and light. 💫💫💫 Ceremonies 1-5 I spent all my time in parts 1 & 2 and last night in ceremony 6 I finally got to part 3! The sense of well being was undeniable and I spent what felt like hours smiling in the dark. Euphoria. #worthit 🌺🌺🌺
Bittersweet
Using my phone as a mirror to check my hair and was struck at how different I look. ✨
Ceremony 5 was triumphant and bitter sweet. I uncovered another dark energy at the root of my condition - surprising and saddening, but now exposed for healing. 🌗
I hope to be able to relay this in a way that will help others in their healing, but for now, that's the update from the Amazon. ✨
Over and out.
Talk About A Diet
The ayahuasca diet is strict. There is no salt, oil or sugar. No meat. No caffeine, alcohol or sex. We are urged to spend little time in the sun as it has an effect like wilting🥀 our master plant. I can feel it in my body on hot, sunny days. We are also encouraged to avoid touching each other as this work makes us very open to picking up other energies. 🌿🌱🍃🌿🌱🍃🌿🌱🍃 Each day they serve seven or eight things - white and brown rice, quinoa, green or brown lentils, sometimes pinto beans, potatoes, plantains and a boney river fish called Bocachino. There is oatmeal at breakfast and some days we are lucky and there is plain pasta at lunch. There are always apples and bananas and some subtle tasting herbal teas to choose from too. I long for savory sauces and vegetables. 🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔 On ceremony days we eat breakfast and lunch but no dinner. I am grateful for that schedule as I quickly learned anything consumed after a certain time will just end up in the bucket when you purge. 🌿🌱🍃🌿🌱🍃🌿🌱🍃 Ceremony days are Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. We will participate in our 5th ceremony tonight and I feel some fear in anticipation of the work ahead. I am told that never really goes away. 🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔 This is the most powerful and humbling experience of my life to date. The healing taking place in my body is undeniable. Excruciating but undeniable.
Ayahuasca Warrior
I am beginning to understand how to navigate and communicate with ayahuasca. ⚡️⚡️⚡️
I was a warrior in battle last night and though I still could not access the light in the ceremony I have felt lighter today and more hopeful than the past days. This feels like a huge win. ⚡️⚡️⚡️
I am told this cleaning process can be very hard as the ayahuasca and master plant are doing their work. I can confirm that to be true in my experience so far. ⚡️⚡️⚡️
I'm in awe of how deep into the unknown we are out here. I have incredible respect for anyone who has worked with this medicine.
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Ceremony 4 tonight. I am asking Aya for light and a reminder that I am loved and perhaps some info on what this is all for. I could use a little reprieve from all the intensity. ⚡️⚡️⚡️
New Strengths
Our second ayahuasca ceremony (of eight) was last night. To date it was the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than having my chin stitched to my chest for 7 days post trachea surgery. Harder than divorce. Harder than closing a business and going through foreclosure. Harder than the unexpected death of my uncle Todd. 🌑🌑🌑
I was confronted with darkness that I wasn't sure I could bear. It's taken me all day to begin processing it and what I know is this - I will not quit before the miracles reveal themselves and I am not a victim of this medicine.
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No ceremony tonight which feels like the most incredible gift.
Powerful Medicine
There is very little I wouldn't do for my own healing and yet last night I wondered why I had voluntarily done this to myself. It was intense!
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Ceremony started at 8 pm and went to 2:40 am (which is longer than typical). We took turns drinking our ayahuasca and then the lights were turned off and we all sat in the dark for a long time (maybe an hour). I felt NAUSEOUS most of the night which means tonight l will take a bit more of the brew to help open up the experience and hopefully overcome my body sensations. ⚡️⚡️⚡️
When the singing began I felt as if my master plant and the ayahuasca were weaving themselves together and dancing up my body. It wasn't long before I was throwing up into my bucket. Meanwhile Cliff was next to me on a roller coaster ride seeing the light show of his life and my best friend was two people away sitting at the foot of the Divine. ⚡️⚡️⚡️
Meditation has taught me that cultivating a practice means allowing space for each experience to unfold as it well. And to trust the process all while releasing expectation. ⚡️⚡️⚡️
I believe in the power of this medicine and I am open to healing. Last night was a struggle. Tonight I'm asking for ease.
Blueprint Plants
We met the Shaman last night and shared our intentions. From those he assigned us each a master plant that is ingested daily. Some are the leaves of the plant all ground up to make juice and some are the sap or resin of the plant.
Tonight is our first ceremony where we will be connected to our master plants through the Icaros (songs the Shaman sings) and drink ayahuasca for the first time. The master plant and aya will begin 'cleaning' us from the inside out.
Each plant has its own blueprint which makes a design. These bracelets represent our master plants. The red one on Cliff is the ayahuasca, the green is his master plant. 🌿👫💚