The unearthing of deep inexplicable joy.

I just returned home from a month long journey to Bali. Over the past few days I've been noticing how different I am. I know that people go on trips all the time and come home saying they've changed but... I really mean it. I am SO different than I was a little over a month ago. I have seemingly unlimited patience. My impatience used to be a running joke around here. Today I went to the post office to mail Kale Yeah T's (they are on sale 40% off btw, get em while they last). There was a HUGE line. Then killer traffic on the way home from the post office. It was mid way through the traffic that I realized that I wasn't bothered by any of it. Not the traffic, not the line, not the screaming kids, not the lady with the literal wagon full of boxes... I am so non-reactive. I am in awe. My stomach used to turn into knots in situations that were out of my control. I'd get anxious in lines, frustrated in traffic and now... Poof! GONE!

I'm quiet, contemplative and unapoligetically internal. I've been leaving my phone off most days unless I have a client call. I'm hardly on social media. Cliff and I are sitting and talking for hours on end. I feel space inside of me and around me. I feel peaceful. I'm observing my body adjusting back into this time zone and giving myself plenty of time to rest, to sleep when I feel like it and be awake when I feel like it. It's actually nearly 3 am as I'm writing this. Two words friends... Jet Lag! It's real.

I feel deeply loved and protected despite learning that when our home, our RV went in for service it was stripped of every electronic gadget and gizmo in the place. The TV was ripped off the wall, iPods gone, Jambox gone, brand new Roku still in the box (that was buried in a drawer) gone... and so much more. I am observing my reaction to it and how different I am in processing it all. I spoke with a representative of the shop and his only response was that Cliff signed a "not responsible for loss" waiver when he dropped it off. Wha? That doesn't mean it's ok to shop in our home. How can someone run a business that way?

In times past I would have gotten in my car and driven down there to speak yell at the owner or manager and demand resolution. The anger would have eaten me up from the inside out. Instead I saged our sweet little home and reminded myself that I am safe. I am loved. Somehow this is all for me. And I sent love to whoever took all our stuff. And to the guy who was zero help on the phone. And to the owner who has refused to take or return my calls. I will still be writing a Yelp review and filing an official complaint but with the intention of protecting other RV families instead of sticking it to this place.

Beyond that I'm reflecting on this feeling inside. This raw vulnerability of having our home violated in this way. Memories are flooding in from my life. Memories of times when people have wronged me and when I have wronged others. I'm seeing their faces, offering forgiveness and asking for forgiveness and it's painful. And cleansing.

See what I mean? Different!

As 2014 draws to a close I feel brand new. I feel ready for the coming year and I feel excited for what is ahead. In 2015 I'm expanding my work to honor the knowing inside that has been clearly speaking saying, "Lacy, it's time to offer more. It's time to share what you know, to let people in, to hold them close and love them deeply so that you may grow together, open and heal together. It's time."

And so... I am thrilled to announce LacyYoungRetreats.com. The first retreat is going to be May 16 - 23, 2015 in Costa Rica. I'm calling it Shift and it's already being infused with so much love and careful attention to every detail.

Join me on a profound healing journey like nothing you have ever experienced. Join me for the transformation you have been waiting for. Join me for a journey into your true self.

If this is the right fit for you, you will you know. You'll feel it in your body. You'll feel it before you finish reading this page. And you'll bravely answer the call with YES. I will do this. I will trust this. YES.

The cure for anything is salt water -- sweat, tears, or the sea. - Isak Dinesen

This is for you if:

• You want to better understand and experience higher states of consciousness.
• You’ve felt blocked or stuck for some time and you’re ready to unclog those blocks
• You want to understand how the universe works and what your purpose is in life.
• You have an open heart and are willing to change. <—– You can do anything if you answer YES to this one!
• You’re building a new business or you’re ready for your current business to grow.
• If this is resonating with you on a level you can't quite explain.

This is also for you if:

• You want to feel peaceful in your life. And joy. Heaps of joy.
• You are ready to heal your body of physical and emotional pain.
• You are feeling called to let go of unhealthy habits or addictive behaviors that are no longer serving you (ie. emotional or disordered eating, alcohol or cigarettes)
• You are ready to heal past relationships and find a partner to share this life with.
• You are looking for change in your career, in your relationship(s) and in your body.
• You would like to feel empowered and hopeful.

This is not for you if:

• You are not willing to invest your time and money in yourself.
• You are not willing to explore new ways of thinking.
• You would prefer to not share your experiences with other people or to listen to theirs.
• You do not believe healing can happen in a matter of days.

What led me to this work?

To truly and fully heal you MUST be willing to feel and feel deeply, truthfully and consistently. Big shifts will happen if you trust that and practice it.

The past decade I’ve been on an intentional healing journey. Most recently I traveled to Bali because something unexplainable inside told me I needed to go. I’ve felt that call less than a dozen times my entire life and each time was nothing short of life changing. Bali was no exception. I have been meditating for years but what I learned and experienced in Bali created indelible changes in my body.

I watched in awe throughout the month-long trip as monumental internal shifts happened one after another. The space in my heart and belly where overwhelm and anxiety used to live cleared. My inability to truly cry was set free by meditations that invited movement of all that stuck energy. I will remember how it felt to release deep sobs and layers of profound grief for a long, long time to come. The feeling of being internally frayed all the time mended and was replaced with calm, even energy. And perhaps most notably, compassion has flooded the spaces in my body where anger used to rage. I was angry about everything from my parents divorce to feeling unheard as a child. You name it, I had anger about it. All that old reactivity is gone. All that pain has dissolved as a result of meditating.

I’ve never felt more free, light, alive, open and ready to share. Leading these retreats is an extension of doing the work I was meant to do in this life. It is my great hope that attending this retreat will be a rebirth for you, an opportunity to step into your power and become what you truly are. Together may we make the world a better place by helping those we love and each other to continue making empowering choices that raise the energy of all beings everywhere.

What exactly will we be doing?

“The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door.” - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

We will meet daily as a group for 7 days to meditate, talk, explore, write, rest, eat, relax, play, laugh, cry, heal and grow.

You’ll learn practical techniques and meditations to go deep within and to invite shifts so that you may know the truth of who you are. You will take mindful steps to invite healing and freedom from needless suffering. When you open up to this journey, you’ll learn how to listen to and connect with your intuition in ways that you’ve never experienced before. You’ll release old hurts both known and unknown. You’ll find joy. Serious, peaceful joy. You’ll feel the lightness that comes from eating life-giving foods. You’ll redefine self care. You’ll connect with other people who are on the path. You’ll feel tremendously loved and pampered by every detail. This is a course for individuals, an inward journey, but you are welcome to bring your partner if you’d like to experience this work side-by-side. You’ll leave with the tools you need to continue your work at home.

This is a non-denominational retreat. Our work will transcend religious and cultural barriers. It is ok if you’ve never meditated before and it’s ok if you have an established meditation practice. The only prerequisites are your desire and willingness to change. You can expect a loving and safe environment.

Our work together will be consistent, constructive and mutually nourishing.

Investment:

The cost of the retreat covers our work together; 3 deliciously, consciously prepared organic vegetarian meals daily; transportation to and from the Liberia International Airport; your room and select activities. Choose from 3 different rooms with prices ranging from $2,880 to $3,730 for the week.

Option 1: Nature Suite

Nature Suites are located on a hillside overlooking the lush vegetation. They are natural wood frame structures and have private bathrooms with an outdoor shower overlooking the jungle. Each Suite sleeps two people and includes a separate enclosed porch with a desk. All Suites have solar hot water as well as air conditioning. The Suites are a short walk up the hill to the Main Building.

Single Room: $3,730 Shared Room: $3,305

Option 2: Hermitage

Many of these rooms have partial views of the ocean and others of the mountains nearby, a queen-sized bed, a private bathroom with solar hot water and a natural ventilation system. There are also a few Hermitage Rooms available with twin beds for two people.

Single Room: $3,330 Shared Room: $3,800

Option 3: Eco-Cottage

The cottages are beautifully situated in lush vegetation. They are natural wood frame structures with screening for natural ventilation. Each Cottage sleeps two people and has a private bathroom with solar hot water showers and everything runs on solar powered electricity to provide a comfortable and ecological setting. The Eco-Cottages are situated below the Main Building and involve a short hike up a stone stairway to get to the Main Building.

Single Room: $3,130 Shared Room: $2,880

Space is limited. If you have questions, contact me directly here.

Every wise culture knows that there are times that are important to walk out in the desert or in the mountains, or to go on retreat and listen." -Jack Kornfield

What clients are saying:

“Thank you so much for your love and being there for me. You will never know just how much it means to me. I believe whole-heartedly that you were sent to me to help me work through my issues. You have such a gentle way of nudging me to get to the root of issues that I deal with and of helping me put things in perspective. I would never have dreamed that a business coach would be so much more that strictly business planning. You have changed my life and continue to help me move towards being a healthier person. No other business coach would do that. You are so much more and I was meant to connect with you. You truly make my heart smile and help me feel complete. And it has been a long time since I have felt like that. Thank you!” – Tania

“I was looking for a spiritual teacher. It wasn't that I was broke or deeply unhappy or desperate in any way; I just had a sense that there was more to this life, and I wanted to go deeper. In my mind, I pictured this guide as an Indian man with a turban. Boy, was I surprised when I realized that it was actually Lacy from Texas. I told her things I've never told anyone, and I felt so safe, so HELD, so SEEN. I felt loved, welcomed, and at home with Lacy in a way I've never felt with anyone. And she told me the truth. She told me the TRUTH. Sometimes it hurt. Sometimes after our conversations, I had to sit with that truth for hours before it rested onto my bones and - every time - healed them. I've never met anyone like Lacy. I truly have no words. She embodies everything she teaches. It's healing just to be in her presence. Everyone needs this work. Everyone.” – Lindsey

Together we will share seven days of meditation, healing, and the unearthing of deep, inexplicable joy in Costa Rica.

Apply here. Or get in touchhere with questions. See the retreat page here.

answering the call

I came to Bali because I felt powerfully and unexplainably drawn here. In the three weeks I've been here so far everything has changed, shifted, lightened. It feels like my whole life has been a series of events leading me to this experience. Deep meditation lead to healing work. I cried. A lot. A first in as long as I can remember. I called out from the depths of grief. I opened up my body and as a result I've never felt more free. More light. More alive. More open. Bali reminded me how important atmosphere is for me. The combination of natural beauty and daily offerings have helped bolster calm inside of me to allow for all the good work to happen. I needed to be so far away. I needed to wander the winding streets, sweat bucket loads, eat fruit, feel the buzz of the city and then sit near the ocean. I needed to be in a place of uncertainty. I needed every bit of it.

The big question marks that characterized my first few days in Bali have been replaced with a deep peace and calm. I read back in my journal and notice how confused I was... and now I just feel compassion for her and all the striving energy.

There have been monumental internal shifts. I used to have an apartment in my heart and my belly for overwhelm and anxiety. They've gone now and a tremendous weight has lifted. I used to worry about my trachea and now I truly feel that I can heal myself. I've believed that for a long time but now I FEEL the truth of it. I know now that to truly and fully heal you MUST be willing to feel and feel deeply, truthfully and consistently. Big shifts will happen if you trust that and practice it.

I'm seeing clearly that it's time to share all I've learned in Bali and the decade leading up to it. It's time to go deeper. It is going to be completely different from anything I've done before. The truth is that I love food and what it can do for us but the part of coaching that I am deeply moved by are those moments when we move beyond food and into what’s at the core. This is going to be all core.

It's life coaching but not really. It's health coaching but not really. It's business coaching but not really.

I'm inviting you to join me on a profound healing journey like nothing you've ever experienced. It will be powerful and unexplainable just like this trip for me. More information will be coming soon. Stay tuned!

With tremendous love, Lacy

p.s. If you've not yet subscribed to my blog posts you can do so here so that you don't miss a thing!

On being seen (and the courage to change).

That moment when your sister Face Times and you look the same down to the side bun. WOAH.

My sister and I talk daily. It's one of my favorite rituals. We gush over our capsule wardrobe favorites and talk about Chloe but mostly we go into the core of what's happening in our lives. We leap into the deep stuff, the work, the truths that we're learning and the intentions that we're setting.

Lately, we have been having conversations on being seen. How we all really, really want to be seen. What that means. Who gets to see you. Who truly knows you. How to let people know you without feeling like you're always sharing all your business. And on and on. As we were about to get off the phone she said something that I've been rolling around inside ever since... "Lace, it's time to give people more access to you." It was her voice but I felt like I was hearing from the angels. She is SO connected to her intuition and the divine.

To be seen and truly show who you are you have to know yourself or at least be in pursuit of knowing yourself. Seems pretty straight forward but oh so many women (and men) have forgotten who they truly are. At the heart of truth we are joy. Joy is our birthright. Sometimes in the chaos and noise of life we forget that. We reflex into weird striving energy trying to be something we're not. I forget that. I reflex. But I knew exactly what she meant and it hit me as an all caps Y-E-S in my body. Time to get real.

The next day I tried it in the most logical place. I had a call with a potential client and I was totally me. I  was professional but playful. Knowledgeable but not judgey. I giggled. I asked her to be my friend (umm I don't always do that). I was totally serious. Talking with her was an all caps Y-E-S in my body. I felt our connection immediately and I knew two things... 1. I can help her and 2. I want to. She's now a client our energy together is still amazing. I feel so lifted after we get off the phone. She does too. I'd call it magic but I know it's a result of living in my truth. It's a result of listening to the Y-E-S and honoring it.

There are dear girls in my Togetherness Tuesday weekly drop-in coaching group that know me. Anyone I've been coaching for more than a phone call knows me but you guys... do you know me? If you didn't before you will now. Ha! I've been set free with permission from my sis and I'm kind of on fire about it.

When I started my business (started seeing clients in 2009, graduated in 2010) I had all this striving energy and worried about doing it right. I said yes to everyone who wanted to work with me. I learned a lot the hard way. I used the worksheets that school gave me and followed the programs to the letter. Each year I got a bit more confidence and moved more into my own style. Less worksheets. Less by the book. More intuition. These days I know what I'm doing. I know how to let my intuition lead and I'm ok with sounding completely woo woo in the process. I apologize for it less and less (always a good sign). And you know it's totally working....being me has helped more people be themselves and HEAL themselves. I have seen people heal their bodies of everything from candida to cancer.

There's change unfolding as I type. I'm stepping into my ME-ness and every part of my 35 year old self feels the buzz of that energy. I'm owning my gifts and my personal power. Elizabeth Gilbert said that she used to look people in the eyes and give them the answer they wanted to hear instead of the answer that was in her heart. Hearing her say that gutted me. I did that too! I mastered that skill as a young child and it served my well into adulthood. No more. It's all about speaking truth now. And you know, it's not nearly as dramatic as that sounds. It's actually the most subtle shift and you'd probably never notice if I hadn't said anything. But maybe you would... we all feel each others energy all the time and the energy of truth or falsehood is weighty stuff.

May I give you some permission here? - Follow Liz Gilbert's advice and look inside before you answer folks. - Don't do anything unless it's an all caps Y-E-S in your body. - Be who you are. Everyone says that all the time but I'm telling you when you wring out every ounce of you-ness you will heal yourself and others. - Get serious about who you are. No more shrinking. Own your brilliance! Claim your genius! It feels so GOOD!

And I'd like to give you an invitation too... - If you're not signed up for One Pot Wonders yet please do consider joining us! It's quickly becoming this fabulous little truth portal for sharing my passion and love. Oh you'll get some pretty amazing soup recipes too. - If you could use a little encouragement Kayla (my sis) is doing Angel Readings. It's totally woo woo and it's amazing.

And if you need a little fuel while you ponder all of this here's my latest green juice combo.

Juice this up and enjoy!

1 bunch kale 3 stalks celery 1 piece fennel 1 piece ginger 2 cucumbers 1/2 bunch cilantro 1 apple 1 lemon

Serves 2

With love, Lacy

p.s. Never miss a post by following my blog on Bloglovin. There's some crazy goodness coming!

Hard + Clear.

That quote hit me right in the gut. It feels more like a command than an invitation in the best kind of way. I've been in a really deep feeling place these last weeks. Internal + thoughtful. It's been three weeks since I had the dilation procedure on my trachea. I've had some time to enjoy breathing (understatement of the year, I've been positively giddy over it), time to process all that we learned in Boston and time to decide what comes next where my health is concerned. The top three questions I'm getting asked are: How are you? What did they say? What happens next?

How am I?

I'm mostly r e a l l y good. I'm enjoying breathing A LOT. I find myself saying I LOVE BREATHING all the time. I'm thankful for it all the time. I used to see people running, dancing, laughing on movies or in real life and feel sad. Now I feel excited and I find myself saying, "I can do that!"

image by Lizzy Flanagan

There was a moment at my dear friends wedding on the Cape just after the dilation that brought me into the present of I CAN DO THAT in such a sweet way... we were all out on the dance floor, it was nearing the end of the night. My post anesthesia body was really tired and I was ready to go until my friend Kate looked over and saw me dancing and with so much love and excitement in her voice said, "T H I S is just what you wanted!" In that moment I could see and feel us all in slow motion. I could feel the thump of the music in my chest and vibrating all around us. She was right! It was (is) what I'd wanted - to be able to dance and sing and play. I immediately forgot that I was tired and I danced like I meant it... I flung my hair and jumped up and down giving my sticky strapless bra a run for it's money (those are the best things ever, by the way). I memorized the moment and literally breathed it all in. I remember smiling so big. I remember giggling at Cliff's signature moves and thinking how much I love having him as my partner. It was all red faces and fist pumps in the air, pure joy. I can't even believe there's a photo to go with the moment. Can't. even. believe. it. Pure gratitude.

Healing can be spontaneous or work. I'm currently in the working portion of this program. I feel my body processing out the anesthesia, the post procedure meds and the experience itself. I'm cycling through tired, angry, frustrated and sad. Some days I'm able to articulate what's happening inside an others it just washes over me. I'm spending time in the archives of my life and going back to places that need healing --- namely, my parents divorce.

I'm 35 and I can't believe I'm still healing over my parents divorce. Some days (most days) I resist it HARD and think good grief, I thought I'd healed a l l that in therapy. Others I soften into it and see that sweet little 4th grade version of myself and feel so much for all she was experiencing during that time (and now). Life keeps giving you opportunities to heal until you do the work. Sometimes it's a little nudge, sometimes it's a smack in the face. Lately it's felt like I've walked right through a plate glass window.

I believe in the importance and all out necessity of feeling your feelings, and letting them move through you (instead of getting pent up and stuck inside you). I'm staying present to that as much as possible and letting my body and spirit move through and out of the muck. I'm asking my body if it can allow the energy to move (something my sister reminds me to do). I'm asking it what it needs from me to help? Some days that's a swim or a jog, others it's just to sit quietly in meditation and sometimes I haven't a clue. I'm forgiving myself and my parents in all kinds of scenarios. I know my folks did the best they could do at the time. I see that really clearly. I love and appreciate them deeply for that. I also know that their split changed me and I'm giving myself permission to take down the armor I built up at such a young age. I'm reminding myself that I'm safe and loved. I'm reminding myself that I always have everything I need, that I am whole health and that happiness is my birth right (pssst, it's yours too!)!

What the doctors said:

The scar tissue is back. We'd hoped it would be scar tissue at the surgery site something easy to scoop right out of there but nope this scar tissue is thick and stubborn and has invaded into my vocal cords. It looks like a Tim Burton set in my trachea with pink and white marbled scar tissue growing like tree roots into the vocal cords. We also learned that the right vocal cord joint is paralyzed likely from scar tissue growing into it and basically concreting it in place. There's nothing they can do medically to help. It's one of those "let's just keep an eye on it" situations. The good news is that the joint is stuck in a good place which means I can still use and regulate my voice and that's a HUGE win! I can't possibly imagine not being able to use my voice! I've got so much to say! My doctor says it would be great if it's a year or more before I need another dilation. I'm thinking it would be great if I never had to have another surgery or procedure ever again! Yes, that's the option I'm choosing.

Now that there's some space between me and all the information it feels like just that... information. I don't feel doomed, devastated or afraid. Those are all things I've felt in the past but this time is different. I know (KNOW in that way that's deep to my core) it's all a process, it's all happening for my highest good and I'm trusting that this thing will continue to transform in a way that is perfect. I've given up predicting how it's all going to go down because I suck at predicting the future but I can say that I FEEL my body healing.

What happens next?

I'm fully engaged in a healing journey. We're headed to California next month in the RV! I've been having sessions with helpers and healers and professionals all over the US (and the world, thank you Skype). I've been spending more and more time in and near water because it just feels so good.

We were planning a water fast but after talking with an Ayurvedic practitioner (and being warned by one of my best friends who woke up having dreamt of me and said "DO NOT DO THAT WATER FAST, I feel so strongly that you don't need to do it") I've decided NOT to do the water fast. Cliff is still going to do it so I'll be there checking in on him between my Ayurveda appointments. Oh and are you ready for this one... the Ayurveda gal is in the SAME CITY as the water fast. Well, thank you Universe!

Always always remember that there's no one size fits all diet and there's no one miracle cure for what ails you. When it comes to your health the only right answers are the ones that feel best in YOUR body.

What I'm learning:

• I'm learning to honor my needs and most specially not to put them off. Even my most basic needs - like holding it when I need to pee. Seriously, anyone else sit at your desk way too long and then realize you've had to go for over an hour?
• Matter can change. Scar tissue can change. When this first started 10 years ago it was subglottic (below the glottis) and now it's invading my vocal cords. While that is really "bad" news in the sense that medically there's nothing to be done it's "great" news from the view point of the potential for this scar tissue to change. IT CAN go back to the nothingness from whence it came and that's exactly what I'm creating.
• The power of a group is mighty. I'm a member of a Facebook group for folks with tracheal stenosis. It's been a really safe and loving place for me to be vulnerable, receive support from people who totally get it and to celebrate the deep easy breaths that are flowing right now.
• It's ok to ask for help. From your partner, your friends, your family, your community (even if it's an internet community). Thank you all for being here and for holding visions of me breathing with ease for the rest of my life.
• I'm learning that real healing happens when I slow way down and have FUN. I've been much too serious, much too busy, much too much of a bunch of stuff and fun is setting me free.
• I'm seeing how important it is to own your situation but not attach to it. To be present but not self loathing. I so badly didn't want this to be my story. I didn't want to be the girl with scar tissue in her trachea and yet I'm so grateful for all that has unfolded as a result of this weird condition. Weird has always been wonderful.

To giving each other permission to tell our stories by sharing our truths. I love you. I appreciate you. Lacy

::April 2014::

April Food:

I did some actual meal planning this month which is rare. I typically just buy an array of veggies and make stuff up as I go. I had an idea for stuffed poblano peppers that turned out to be SOOO delicious even though it's a multi-step recipe (I like to keep it simple). You can see that recipe here. I also created a smoothie with rose water that tastes so divine! You can see it here.

Maybe one day we'll renew our vows and I'll carry a veggie bouquet. Too much? ha!

April Family + Friends:

A dear friend got married and we had a blast at her wedding. There was an open bar. Our table of friends were one of the few taking full advantage. I had a tough time breathing while dancing. On the way home in the car in driving rain we talked about the possibility of going back to the doctor and it brought up SO MUCH FEAR. I wasn't ready. My body wasn't ready. All these months later and on the other side of the dilation procedure I'm seeing how necessary those early conversations were. It's so important to check in with your body every step of the way. It will tell you when it's time and you'll be better prepared for having gone through all the emotions along the way. At least that was the case for me.

 

Super fun family dinner at Benihana for my uncle's birthday. I wrote a post about eating out and staying sane.

A dear friends mom transitioned and it hit close to home. Lisa wrote a beautiful post about Linda. Will you read it and send her some love?

An old and trusty wine list that lives folded in a friends wallet got pulled out at family night. Silver Oak is my favorite! Cliff and I tasted there and bought a few bottles on our engagement weekend in Napa ages ago. Best $100 bottle of wine I've ever had.

A love gift arrived in the mail. I LOVE mail! That sweet coffee mug became a fast fave and made the cut to get into the RV! AND THOSE Produce candles! The Kale one is my favorite and smells divine (it doesn't smell like kale).

Movie in the park with Aunt Mary. A food docu. At some point can one see too many food documentaries?

April Us:

A moment that begged to be collected. I love that we go and get out of bed as a family most days.

We were headed to get groceries and he pulls over saying, "You look just like the flowers, I have to take a picture of you with them!" Can't argue with that now, can I? :)

Found my mom's ring going through a box of old jewelry. One little birthstone for me and one for my sister, Kayla. Every time I look down at it I can see it on her finger.

His words to me on a particularly rough day. Felt like they could help more than just me.

This is our Game of Thrones Sunday night ritual. Big beer in horns. Can't wait to see what will happen next season!

Cliff rescues animals. It's one of his super powers. This little one was scooped up out of the middle of the street on our way to the track. That's his happy face, really it is.

I'd really like to sleep that soundly.

April Biz:

I started Drop In Group Health Coaching called Togetherness Tuesday. From the first call I knew it was going to be special but I never dreamt it would come to mean so much to me and the women who show up on that call each week. You can start and stop whenever you like. Phone line and hearts are wide open. More information over here.

Angeles made one of my quotes into a beautiful FREE downloadable poster! You can see it and all my free downloads over here.

Panama!

My little brother went on an an epic journey last year and traveled to central and south America. He talked so much about one of his favorite places, the San Blas Islands in Panama. Mom decided she HAD to see them and I happily invited Cliff + me along. Months passed, Mom + Cody planned the trip, found a boat to charter, we all got tickets, mom + I got matching North Face backpacks (which I LOVE) and the big day arrived. Mother's Day. We all wake up early and get to the airport. We're checking in only to find out that Cliff's passport is not valid for travel to Panama. It didn't expire until June but apparently to travel to Panama your passport must be within 3 months of expiration. The bottom dropped out of my stomach, tears welled up and right there in the airport check in area I cried. And cried. And cried. Mom + Cody went on and we stayed behind hoping we could get it sorted out and join them the next day.

Be sure to check your passport expiration date and the regulations for the country you're traveling to well in advance of your travel!

The rest of that day we both felt sick. Helpless. Bummed. Disappointed. Frustrated. So many emotions. We did the best we could to move through it and keep (or more like --- just find) perspective. All these months later that feeling is still a gift. Going through the wave of emotions of facing a dilation again and all that is involved just scratched the surface of how helpless we felt that day. I know it's odd (and even feels a little trivial) that just missing a flight vs a legit health situation was a more severe feeling of helplessness but it's true. It's the beauty of contrast in life. Those really awful disappointments provide solid contrast to remind me it's not that bad. There are options and we're negotiating whatever it may be at the moment the best we can.

We came through the passport experience feeling so good about our partnership. We are a crazy good, totally effective team. The moment the check in clerk started waggling my passport in the air saying that the rest of us could go but not Cliff we clung together. I remember saying, "I'm not leaving him, give me my passport back please. I am NOT leaving him." We sprung into action. I got on the phone to the passport office to try and get an appointment. Cliff called our ride to come back and get us. We changed our tickets for the next day + moved through an imaginary check list of all the possible things that we could do to fix this asap + get back to the business of vacation! Silver lining... we were home to watch Game of Thrones that night. ha! But seriously.

The next day was all hurry up and wait and then all GO, GO, GO! We got the appointment at the passport office first thing in the morning. They said we could pick up the passport at 12:30. Wha? I don't know why but I expected we'd walk out with it that morning. Nope. Doesn't work that way. So... we went for brunch and came back to wait. Our flight was at 3:05 pm. At 12:30 his passport wasn't ready. They said maybe 1. Then 1 came and went. We're counting minutes now running the times over in our heads... we can still make it! I'm in the car making a reservation at the airport park + ride, keeping the getaway car running and waiting for Cliff to give the word that he's got his passport. When he finally texted that he had it and was headed down I pulled out, opened the door and he literally ran and jumped in. It was one of those laughter through total stress moments. All we could do is laugh. I used my expert daughter of a race car driver skills to get us to the airport as quickly as possible. We checked in with 1 minute to spare. 2:04pm. Once we cleared security we literally ran to our gate just in time for boarding. I sounded like Darth Vader in a foot race but we made it!

We flew into Panama City, stayed the night in a hotel and the next morning got up at 4 am to catch another flight out to a small island in San Blas where the sail boat + mom + Cody would pick us up! The minute we got into the tiny plane to head to the islands it felt like vacation. Finally.

This was my favorite snorkeling spot. An old ship wreck.

See that tiny blue fish with blue polka dots! It's a Jewelfish. Incredible, right!

The swim deck was one of the most peaceful places on the boat. Just you and the sound of the ocean lapping against the boat.

The weather was impeccable the first few days. Sunshine, heat + humidity.

Then it got dark, rainy + moody. I love that we got to experience both.

I love the perspective on this one... little islands as far as the eye can see.

One of my favorite parts of sailing was getting up and going for a morning swim first thing. It felt like freedom to just off the boat into the water each morning.

This was our favorite island. Cloud Island. We found Conch shells here, swam in the pouring rain + ate coconut meat. It's one of the things I remember most from this trip. It rained so hard for a moment I could hardly see. I can almost smell the salt and feel the drips falling from my eye lashes.

Aren't they beautiful, the shells I mean. Well us too ; )

We got matching shirts for the trip. Geeky, awesome + totally necessary to help minimize sun exposure and bug bites.

We stopped on a small island to buy bracelets + malas made by the Kuna women. The bracelets are tied on each time they wrap around your wrist or ankle. Kuna women wear them on both wrists and both ankles. I JUST took mine off a week ago pre-dilation procedure. I loved wearing it. It started to feel like my own version of a tattoo.

Malas are intricate hand stitched fabric squares. They use them in their clothing. We asked permission (and paid) to take a photo. This woman got dressed in her full attire for our photo. The island is inhabited by one family at a time. They will work there for several months and then return to the community island and another family will come out to sell to the tourists that sail by. They are small in stature, speak their own language but also Spanish (which is how we my little brother communicated with them. He was our translator the entire time and did an amazing job)! The Kuna people are a matriarchal society, when we paid the father he gave the money to the grandmother immediately. Love that.

Our state room.

He's joking. Post this image jumped from the front of the boat into the water.

Early morning boat ride from the sail boat to shore to catch our flight back to Panama city.

This is the airport. They took our airport fees, I think it was $11 each or near that. Our bags were weighed with a handheld scale and then we waited and waited and waited for the little plane to arrive. I'm certain this is the birthplace of all mosquitoes and biting bugs known to man. We made a lot of bugs very happy that day.

No wind. Just bugs.

 

These are the malas we selected. We chose one that was meant to be sewn into a shirt later so it was two complimentary pieces. Mom took one, we took the other. Last night I framed ours and hung it in the bathroom in our mobile abode (which prompted this big beautiful post).

Dinner at the Panama Canal. It was awesome to watch the gates open and see the water levels rise and fall.

Our final night in Panama. Penthouse views, LONG showers and air conditioning. Perfection.

I love traveling and I adore coming home. This vacation was a biggie for me. I got really clear on our decision to buy and move into an RV. Really clear. I unapologetically took care of myself at every turn even when that meant turning in early to read instead of listening to stories the captain and his wife were sharing. Older versions of me would have sat there, listened and nodded and gone to bed exhausted from ignoring my own needs. It's one of those little details that's actually really huge.

To Panana! To the beautiful Kuna people! And to gifts from the sea! Lacy

P.s. Foundations of Food starts next week! Ready to learn what foods work best in your body? Ready to give up dieting, calorie counting, struggling and deprivation f o r e v e r? Yes? Yes! Join us!

Live from the 19th floor.

My dear friend Lizzy took this photo and has been carting us around. She sat with me. With Cliff. Cried with us and been so fully engaged in this experience. Lizzy. I. Love. You. Oh so much. Thank you for spending part of your only vacation helping us. I had a dilation today. In plain terms my doctor (who I really appreciate and love) made what was a small breather hole much bigger by good old fashioned skillful brute force. I have a sore throat and can take a really full deep breath. It feels like a gift.

I'm sitting alone in my hospital room at Mass Gen. Cliff has gone back to our dear friends house to get some proper rest. I can tell you overnight in the hospital is not fun. Overnight sitting upright in a chair to sleep is just unkind. I'm glad he will have some alone time to process all of this and eat a bowl of cereal with almond milk (his comfort food of choice lately).

There's a pulse ox monitor taped to my right index finger making it super tricky to hit all the right keys. To my left a wicked view of Boston has been filled in with the night sky to my right an empty bed (yay). All around me are sounds of the hospital. Incessant beeping. A slight creak of the machine monitoring my iv fluids. Nurses chatting as they walk past. All the nurses have been amazing. Though I don't want to get too comfy I feel as at home as is possible thanks to their stellar care.

It's been a DAY.

This moment is actually kind of perfect... I think anyone who's ever been in the hospital or negotiated any kind of sickness whatsoever (or made a really big decision on your own) can totally relate to this feeling... this is happening in my body. It's a singular experience. I'm completely surrounded by the best kind of love and support and a growing community of prayer warriors and yet in this moment I feel alone. Me and this busted up trachea.

I had hoped it would be a thin little membrane of scar tissue growing over the old surgery site. The completely sucky part is that is not the case. The scar tissue is thicker than ever and has invaded the space near my vocal cords (that's not good) so that means a second resection is off the table. That's where they cut you open and cut out the scar tissue. Not fun (understatement) but I had 3.5 good years of breathing after.

What I'm learning yet again is that wellness is a dance. I'm currently on the dance floor with western medicine checking out his best moves. He's stepped on my feet a few times, I've smiled politely as if to say, 'oh that's ok' but I've taken note. Really we're trying to do a dance that he doesn't know the moves to. This condition is so rare and almost no progress had been made in the six years since my big surgery. But here we are front center throwing our arms up and going for it. I'm doing that signature white girl step-together-step, little bounce with slight head bob, a clap and a 'wooooooo-who' every now and then for effect. Sometimes I smooch my lips out and wrinkle my nose like I'm totally cool and confident and throwing off that -- 'I'm doing this on purpose' vibe. Can you see us out there?

Oh do I have surgery stories to tell...

There was the gal who was here for my resection in '08 who was in the room again today. I recognized her. She recognized me. So nice to see a friendly face. And she seems like someone I'd be friends with so that's always a plus.

There's the guy on the cleaning crew in the OR area. He is probably in his 50's, he is thin and kind. Faded tattoos peek out from under his scrubs on both arms telling stories of his younger years. He walks like he's going somewhere. He's the kinda guy who points when he talks, only pauses for a second and then keeps going. Today marks my 4th time in the OR at Mass Gen and the 4th time I've seen this same dude! So today he walks by and sees me sitting in the gurney outside the OR waiting my turn and he says, "I was just where you are not that long ago." He points at me as he's talking, gives a little squinty half smile and then goes on his way. It puts me immediately at ease. For a moment I wasn't just a body on gurney I was a person who was being seen by another person who had felt what I was feeling and had BEEN THERE. I giggled as I realized that he says that to me every time. I'm pretty sure he says that to everyone and he probably takes a nap on the gurney as often as possible so that it's actually true. Still I totally appreciated it.

Then there was a women on my surgical team. A nurse I think. She asked me what I do for a living. When I said I'm a health coach she did as many people often do and launched into telling me her story about food and her life. I'm so glad she did. She grew up in West Africa eating traditional foods (grains, fruits, veggies, meat when they could afford it) and was naturally thin and healthy. She said they ate breakfast and lunch and maybe a small dinner or no dinner at all. There was no snacking if there was ever a snack it was a banana or an orange. They never asked for food, they only came to eat when called. She preferred to play and was happy to come in to eat but was never hungry or worried about food. She was happy to play -----> that's Primary Food! The best example of being fed from the richness of your life, from being fed by play and not needing as much food to eat. She is now a little overweight and knows it's due to eating fast foods and processed foods and adopting the Standard American Diet.

She took her children to visit her home several years ago. Her son was 8 years old at the time and overweight. After eating the traditional foods and chasing goats up the mountain each day he released all the excess weight and his body has normalized into it's natural size and shape. He's 11 now and he says he loves his new body. I thanked her for sharing some of her stories with me. Recalling them now I feel a little teary.

I love my job. I love my life. I love that people share their stories with me and I'm so deeply impacted by the power of food and feeling good in our bodies. That's what I KNOW. And that's what I'm returning home to inside myself. My next dance on my healing journey is going to be a tribal dance with water. Think body paint and big sweeping moves around a fire. Soulful. Ritualistic. Deep. We got two thumbs up from my doc to go and do a medically assisted water fast in California in September. Apparently I'm seeking all my healing experts on the coasts. East coast medical. West coast spiritual. Sounds about right. You know I love a good food experiment so we'll see what the absence of food does. It's meant to reset all your cells to allow the body to heal itself, by itself.

I'm seeing how intentional the call to simplify was those months ago. We heard it loud and clear. I proud of us for listening and acting. We now live in an RV which still kinda blows my mind. We're calling it Kale On Wheels, our big bus of healing (we also call her Barb. Short for Rhubarb which makes me giggle.) and it feels like we're fully engaged in a quest of healing. We set this whole thing up (the RV, selling all our stuff, down sizing, simplifying) before we ever had a clue what it would really become. I'm sure it's all still unfolding. Betcha a year from now this clarity I'm feeling will probably just amount to finding a corner piece on a really big puzzle. And while I'm still having a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that I'm back here in a hospital bed using words like stenosis, I'm practicing presence. This moment is really all I've got and honestly it's all I can focus on. The minute I start thinking thick scar tissue and vocal cords and and and the tears start flowing and I'm sucked into the dark and scary place. I'm using all my best tips and tricks that I'm constantly sharing with my clients. I sat in recovery feeling utterly green (nauseous) from coming out of the anesthesia saying over and over "I inhale. I exhale." And it worked. It was the slowest two hours I've experienced lately but it worked.

Alright dear friends I have selected a movie to watch, a girl movie. Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann in The Other Woman. I'm thinking escapist comedy is exactly what I need. Me, these ice chips, all these beeps and this little iv are going to cozy in.

Love, Lacy

P.S. I actually started blogging in 2008 post tracheal resection surgery. I'd had a Caring Bridge page to keep family and friends updated and I loved posting updates there so much that when I closed that page I started a blog. It's a full circle moment. There have been lots of those this week. Some very tender and tear filled, some truly spirit lifting. This post is really more of an entry into my virtual moleskin. Since I'm feeling quite alone sitting here in my standard issue hospital socks (they're the worst tan color you've ever seen but they do have that handy no skid stuff on bottom) and gown (would you like to see my bum, everyone else has!) I'm sharing my entry here because the internet really is remarkable and if you're reading this you're my people and I love you. And if you've been following along and sending me love I want to tell you I literally feel it. Words will always be an inadequate for the deep gratitude I feel. T H A N K Y O U.

Eating My Feelings

Last week I went to the doc and had a photos taken of my trachea. They put a teensy tiny video camera up my nose and down my throat. When the doc played the video back for me and I saw what I've been feeling I felt a wash over my body. It was a moment of OMG it's real. I didn't make it up. My next thought was Oh fuck it --- What do I want to eat? It's funny (not funny) how we reflex back. How I reflex back. I wanted a brownie sundae. Or a cream cheese kolache. Or both. I wanted a margarita or a pina colada with a dark rum float and extra whipped cream. I wanted to eat + drink all my feelings. When I realized that we were, in fact at a hospital and the only thing I could likely get my hands on was a candy bar I thought... Snickers! I could go for a Snickers. It was like a Disney movie in my head. Brilliantly dressed up foods dancing past me promising to take away all this anxiety in my body.

Mind you all this is happening while I'm still in the exam chair, the doctor is talking to me and Cliff is sitting across from me asking his thoughtful questions about my health. They say a second set of ears is helpful for that moment when you glaze over. Apparently my version of glazing over takes me right to food negotiations.

And then it happened, as it's happened many times before --- I remembered that any amount of food or drink would not heal these feelings. They'd only serve as a (delicious) band aid that would likely lead to a stomach ache, headache and heart ache. I didn't have a Snickers. Or a pina colada with dark rum float and extra whipped cream. I sat there. I put my hand on my chest and took as deep a breath as my little airway would allow and I said quietly to myself, "Lacy, I love you. You're going to be ok. It's ok to feel this way. You're doing such a good job dear girl. Ask for what you need. Ask your questions. Let Cliff support you. You've got this."

I came back to the present. I asked the very kind doctor my questions and still really appreciate her candor. We left and I continued to take deep breaths to help clear the giant lump of stagnated energy in my belly and throat.

This is the root of emotional eating for me. Emotions well up in such a big, scary way that I just want to numb it out and eat as much as possible to make them stop or at least shut them up for a moment. When I indulge and eat my feelings I'm left in a fog of regret and physical discomfort. When I come back to the present, sit with the feelings, watch them change, and breathe them out of me I feel like I have a tether. At first it's wildly uncomfortable and then a little crack of light opens up and I begin to slowly but surely feel free from those guttural desires to numb and self medicate with food.

5 Steps to Help Navigate and Heal Emotional Eating ::

1. Observe your thoughts.

Do you go right to cream cheese kolaches or your chosen food drug of choice? Notice what comes up and resist the urge to judge or change it. Pay close attention. Can you begin to understand what's causing your thoughts/emotions? Is it fear? Of what? That's so important in establishing their validity.

2. Stay.

Fight or Flight is carnal. It's your bodies innate sense of self preservation. When the going gets tough where do you want to run to? Food? Drink? Can you allow yourself to stay and sit with the emotion that you're experiencing?

3. Breathe.

Notice your breath. Are you taking shallow breaths? Breathing more quickly? Bring a hand to your chest or your belly, lengthen and deepen your breath. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

4. Speak kindly.

Give yourself a word of encouragement. Tell yourself - I see you. I feel you. I hear you. Validating your own experience is a simple but powerful practice. You're not silly for feeling this way. You're quite possibly in the midst of negotiating some really tough stuff and some tenderness can go a long way.

5. Plan.

What do you need to move through this? A plan can help you stay present and grounded. Can you ask for support from friends and loved ones? Have a loved one hug you. Talk it through. Stumble and fumble through your words until you've got it all out. Keep going.

Emotional eating has really deep roots. Healing can be both gradual and spontaneous. Whisper to yourself that you're willing to change, begin to notice when you want to turn towards food. Practice being present and sitting with your emotions instead of hushing them. You're not alone, never have been and never will be. Part of being who you are meant to be in this life means releasing those old behaviors that are no longer serving you. You can move past emotional eating.

Cliff and I fly to Boston tomorrow for my tracheal dilation procedure on Tuesday and then we get to celebrate with dear friends for a wedding on Friday. I still have quite a bit of energy in my body and I'm staying with it. I'm fasting from negative emotions and seeing healing light in my body, especially in my trachea. I'm feeling lifted by the love of so many friends and family. I'm visioning myself going into the operating room and it's standing room only in there. I'm picturing all the physical doctors and nurses and a spiritual healing team as well. On my spiritual team is an adorable gal named Ginger, my ancestors and all the love of every person I've ever met, encountered, passed on the street, hugged, made genuine eye contact with... I keep thinking of airport meetings. When you see someone you've not seen in so long... that moment when your eyes meet and you hug so tightly and there are happy tears. That's the love I'm carrying with me into the OR and I hope that everyone in that room feels changed by my having been there with my big love parade.

May I bring your love with me too? Will you think of me on Tuesday at 12:30 Eastern and smile? I'll be in my super cute hospital gown with frizzy hair and an amazing hair net thinking of you and seeing love envelope that room, all of Boston, all of the east coast and on and on and on. As I'm counting backward from 10 I'll be seeing love frosting on all of us. ha!

Love, Lacy

19 days living in our RV

Health Update:

I went to the doc on Thursday here in Houston and had pictures taken of my trachea. There's a little pin hole where there should be a big black hole. The images confirmed what I've been feeling and hearing in my breathing for some time. My trachea is in need of some intervention to bring relief and so I'll have a dilation procedure very soon in Boston with the doctor who performed my resection in 2008.

I'm learning the difference between muscling through and standing in grace. My sister and I were talking on the phone and she recalled a moment when Chloe was recently born. She was having a conversation with her Doula, Haripriya telling her all about how cloth diapers just weren't working and it wasn't going like she planned and she was so stressed out about it and struggling... Haripriya listened to her story and she looked at her and so sweetly and calmly said "and then we bow."

So as I was going on about how I don't want this to be my story. How I don't want to be this girl who can't breathe. How I'm completely healthy except for this. How I've been eating anti-inflammatory foods, and meditating and and and... and Kayla said... "and now you bow."

And she's right. So I'm bowing. Not in defeat, though there have been many moments in the last few days when I've felt defeated. Or in sadness, though I feel that too. But in pure humility. In acknowledgement that there are forces much greater than me at work here. I'm allowing the illusion of control to be just that... an illusion. This isn't working out the way I thought or the way I'd hoped but it's all working out. And it's all going to be ok.

I received an email this week from a dear friends sister and she said "You may not be physically breathing but you are running circles around this life! I love you and what you bring to this life!" Her words brought me to easy tears. I feel deeply seen. Held. Grateful. Supported through this. Sharing this story real time is counter to my usual nature. I'd typically withdrawal and go deep underground to take stock, figure it all out and then I'd emerge and keep going. This time is different. I see that somehow this is part of my sacred work and my continued healing and quite possibly part of helping others to heal too.

We've been living in our RV for 19 days now and she's feeling like home. I'm so excited to share our most recent layers with you (and what's been happening with me + the composting toilet)!

Living Room:

 

Notice how Ned is in every.single.photo. Front of the bus is his territory. We spend mornings together here. I check out my phone and see what the day holds while he goes back and forth from my lap to the pouf.

After looking and looking for a proper fold out sofa to fit this tiny space we finally decided on a futon. It does fold down flat so we can have an overnight guest (Mema!). We're still hoping to find a more traditional looking couch but this one is serving us well for now.

Kitchen:

Ned has become a bit obsessive about this corner cabinet. Due to it's location and all the wiring, propane line etc in there we weren't able to fully gut the old carpeting out so it smells a little stale in there, like old RV. He's probably attracted to the strong smell. We sit and watch him and make up reasons why he's paying homage to the corner cabinet.

The kitchen runner arrived. As soon as I rolled it out it felt like it had always been there. My friend, Jamie House picked it out for us! She's been amazing through this entire project doing everything from hand picking the reclaimed wood pieces for the bedroom to finding accessories like this rug. There's something so powerful about having other people believe in your dreams as much as you do. Jamie has held this vision for us from the very first moment I told her that we wanted to buy an RV and make it our home.

Bathroom:

Cliff + Dad installed the bathroom thresholds. Feels so good that we're at the finishing stages on many of our renovation projects.

This is what the bathroom looks like right now.

• We still need to have an electrician out to help restore power to all the lights and most of the outlets throughout the RV.
• Mom sewed a skirt for the sink as a temporary fix until we can have the cabinet guy out to build something around the sink. I love it! She attached it with sticky velcro squares and so far they're holding great.
• The little blue box used to hang in our kitchen in our last house. Planning to paint it the same color as the wall. It's currently holding hand soap and TP, you know- the essentials!
• We're thinking we'll use some of the left over reclaimed wood from our bedroom wall project to make corner shelves near the toilet.

I've developed a h e a l t h y respect for our composting toilet. This morning I overflowed the 'liquid tank' and quickly transformed the single most satisfying pee of the day into a dirty job. We typically pride ourselves on being a low to no paper towel house hold but let me tell you this morning I was singing praises to Bounty select-a-size and gallon Zip Lock bags. Ned sat at the door and watched as I carefully soaked up the overflow and placed the wet paper towels into a Zip Lock bag. I couldn't help but laugh. Cliff and I have been making full use of the toilet and smiling pile of poo emojis.

Last week I dumped and cleaned out the main tank (aka poop, paper, coconut coir). It was one of those HOT + HUMID Texas summer nights. The sky was just about to lose light. I was nearing the end of the project and so ready to be done, to shower, to sit with Cliff and unwind. I put my thumb over the water hose to create a stronger spray. As soon as the water hit the tank I knew I'd messed up. Soapy poo water sprayed right in my face. I immediately closed my mouth. It felt like slow motion as brown foamy drips fell from my nose, my chin, from my ear lobes and eye lashes. UGH. The voice inside my head said R E A L L Y! Is this really happening right now? I turned the water hose to rinse my face, finished the job and rounded the RV with the tank in hand, completely soaked. Cliff was trying to get the exhaust fan for the toilet to work again, it was dark now and curse words seemed the best option. So he's throwing out his best dammit-shit-shit-shit and I'm standing looking at him holding the toilet covered in our shit-shit-shit. He looked up at me and started to give me the download of how poorly his project was going and I interrupted to say in the most pathetic little girl voice possible... "I sprayed our poop all over my face." His response, "You win!"

 Bedroom:

I'm loving this bedroom. I'm loving that we took out those side cabinets to make room for our Cal King bed. It's cozy and comfy and we all have plenty of room. I feel the most at home in this room so far.

Home Office:

This space is technically in the bedroom. I've yet to use it as a work desk. So far it's been the place where everything gets piled. We cut leather straps to make our own drawer pulls. Cliff used brass screws to attach them. We both super appreciate the softness of those straps each time we get out of bed in the middle of the night! I'm working on the bedroom art wall today. Hopefully I'll finish that and the hallway divider curtain this weekend.

Hope you're having a beautiful weekend! Lacy

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Truth Telling + RV Update picts

Currently. Cooking up some mung beans in the steamer + it's totally working. Yay! My usually very strong self is all kinds of mushy and tender today. I'm negotiating some serious breathing woes which have lead me to practicing some truth telling. The kind where I'm saying -- I'm not ok. But I hope I'll be ok.

There's a literal blockage in my trachea that I've tried to clear with everything from crystals to brute force. I've tried healers of all sorts and have made some very dear friends in the process. I've been affirming that I breathe with ease. I've been managing with food, meditation, quality time with Cliff and Ned. Oh and making major life changing decisions like selling everything and living in an RV. Simplify, simply has been the calling in our hearts for so many reasons and we've been answering like it's our job.

View from bed. TV hung, art wall started and piles waiting to be addressed.

It's all consuming not to be able to breathe properly. My labored breathing has become like saying Voldemort in our family and I've hit that point where THIS is no longer working. I've tried not talking about it nearly all year. I've exhausted it really. It's not a secret, never has been I just didn't want to give it any power. Kind of like hiding under the covers so the boogie man can't see you. The truth is that method is not working and this sucks and it's hard. And so I'm leaning into the discomfort of it all. I'm allowing myself to grieve and feel deeply.

I am in touch with the fact that this isn't for nothing. That resonates so deeply. I know it's for something and I feel that most when I'm with my coaching clients. I love them so much. I love my work so much. We learn from experience and from wisdom. Somehow I feel this experience is allowing in more wisdom.

We are all carrying something. For some it's visible or audible like my breathing. For others it's hidden under the surface. No matter what you're carrying I want you to know it's ok to give yourself permission to take a minute and feel. Deeply. Tell the people who are close to you. Ask for what you need. Even if all you can ask for in the moment is someone to listen or just give you a hug.

I've made a doctors appt to get looked at and see just how closed/ open the airway is. I'll keep you posted in my updates here.

This RV adventure is part of our deep desire to live fully. The dream, the best case scenario is that I'll be able to take full, deep breaths. That I'll be able to run as fast and far as I want to. That I'll be able to jump and hike and twirl and sing 80's songs at the top of my lungs with Cliff as we drive down the road. That I'll be able to talk in complete sentences and never once have to stop and gasp for air. That I'll be able to give full on speeches anytime I feel like it.

Would you hold that vision for me and with me?

We picked up the RV from Johnny on Friday the 27th of June. I was giddy. I couldn't stop smiling or saying I LOVE OUR LIFE! THIS IS SO PRETTY! Kayla + Brian + Chloe were headed into town and our paths crossed literally on the freeway so we pulled over to show them our new home! I love this picture of us. It just says it all. At the end of the day I was exhausted from joy.

Chloe kept calling it our Big Bus. Cliff's big bus. Lacy's big bus. Ned's big bus.

We moved out of our rental house and into the RV from the 28 - 30th of June. We are now comfortably parked in a Resort RV Community (which makes me giggle). They're stretching it on the resort part but it is shiny and new with wifi and a pool. And bonus it's close to Cliff's work! Houston is a really big city and we wanted to be sure that what we're saving in monthly bills didn't get absorbed by a long commute. I'm officially working from the RV. Sitting at the kitchen table right now!

Mom made curtains for every window and we love them! We still don't have a couch but it's on the short list. It will live under this window.

We put all our extra stuff into mom's garage and we've been going through deciding what stays and what goes. It's getting WAY easier to let go of things now that we are in the RV. There's a certain freedom in seeing the piles go and the space open up. I can feel it opening up inside of me too.

We're getting to know the RV which is really code for comedy of errors. We're continuing renovations and decorating. We still need to get an electrician out to fix the lights. We have two plugs that are working in the kitchen and one light in the hallway. The rest seem to be taking a break from their purpose in life.

Honestly, it feels good to sit still for a minute. We were hoping that a road trip to Boston at the end of this month for my dear friends wedding would be our maiden voyage but ole Barb (that's what we've been calling her. Barb. Short for Rhubarb.) just isn't ready for the open road. Barb is a pretty clear communicator.

That's Mema's hand in the corner there. She was on shelf paper duty! Hours upon hours were spent on making sure each drawer and cabinet were properly lined. A small fortune was spent on cork shelf paper.

I LOVE the new kitchen. L O V E I T. I was adamant about having the sink mounted under the counter. Cliff drove all over town to get the supplies needed and Johnny made it happen. I see it every day and I love it every day.

We're all learning how to live in a small space. Ned is doing pretty good though the door and the steps that fold out every time the door opens sends him running to the bedroom and under the covers. He hasn't gone outside yet and I can't blame him. It's a lot of concrete. I brought him to work from home with me over at my mom's yesterday and we spent some time in the yard together. I could just see his spirit getting fed. Sweet boy. I keep whispering to him that there is going to be lots of nature to explore very soon.

Ned turned 14 on July 1st so naturally I made a crown from cork shelf paper. ; ) I can think of about 1400 reasons why I love him. You know how some animals show up in your life and choose you. That's us. He chose me, I was present enough to get it and sappy enough to cave in and take him home. I'm so glad I did. He's a big piece of this RV adventure. Cliff and I were really craving simplicity and travel but we didn't want to leave Ned behind. It feels really important to keep our little family together.

moving day piles

Dad came over to see the RV and installed all the kitchen knobs, shower curtain rod and bedroom curtain rods. The man knows how to use a drill! I had some legit childhood flash backs as he was asking me to hand him this tool or that one.

I used to joke that the secret to a happy marriage was separate bathrooms. We've not shared a bathroom for our entire marriage and now we share about 300 sq feet of living space with one bathroom and a composting toilet. We're both still really happy that we got the composting toilet but we also take full advantage of using flushing toilets like it's a total treat (because it is super nice not to have to carry away your own #1 AND #2). There's a plastic jug in front (the one with the black handle on it) that holds the pee. We empty it every three days or so. The poop (and paper) goes into a bigger holding bin and will get emptied every 3 - 4 weeks. We add coconut coir for the composting bit.

Bathroom is coming together! Ombre shower curtain from Target. Rope handles from West Elm. Starfish pulls from Anthropologie. At some point we'll have a basin built under the sink.

What we lack in wall space we make up for in cabinet space. I've started hanging our favorite pictures in the cabinets. I set up our smoothie station first since we use it almost daily. Makes me happy every morning when I open this cabinet. The print is a free download on my site! You can get yours here.

Another daily ritual around here is tea. Morning tea. Evening tea. Rooibus for him. Mint for me. Of course all the stuff on the counters will be taken down and put into bins when we're on the road but as soon as we're parked it will get set up again. The pea + carrot print is one of my faves. The decoupage frame is one I made ages ago. 2008 I think. I had it hanging in my studio at the rent house. I looked at it one day as we were packing up and noticed it reads 'Take to the Highway' right there front and center under our smiling faces. FULL BODY CHILLS.

We're doing a reclaimed wood wall behind the bed. My friend, Jamie House hand picked each piece for us. Mom helped us lay it all out and Cliff started on it yesterday.

He will finish it up on his next days off this coming weekend. I can hardly wait to see it all done. I already love it so much.

The new curtains arrived! They're actually pin-tuck shower curtains from West Elm. We used conduit for the rod (hung from the ceiling) and tied the curtains on with leather cord so they won't make noise as we drive down the road. Mom made blackout curtains that velcro to the window so we can sleep in. We have our priorities. ; ) This is what it looks like right now, mid day, no lights on. Pretty awesome!

That's the update from RV land. Lacy

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