Imperfect Perfection

Hi! It’s 2 am and I riding the jet lag waves. Laying here scrolling through images of our trip. This one was an accidental model moment Fr the mud bath in Da Nang, Vietnam — and I’ll take it!

We decided to come home earlier than planned so that I could have a surgery on my airway. And the thing is I’ve just been immersed in months of sincere and active healing work ON my airway.

In one view I could be super disappointed that the stuff I’ve been up to didn’t work OR I could choose to see the perfection in how this is all playing out. What if all my efforts in the Far East helped to serve up the scar tissue so that my doc can now scoop it out and clear the way for a good long time?

Point is, always leave room for the miracle. Release the need to judge the process. Foster a belief that life is happening for you.

Silence & Healing

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Yesterday was a magic day!

Surgery on my trachea was a huge success and these last three procedures in quick succession did exactly what we hoped. A more gentle approach over time has led to my airway being bigger than it's been in 14 years! This is huge for me and my breather!

I posted here in stories as I was headed to the hospital yesterday and want to thank you all for your kind words and positive thoughts of a wide open airway! I believe in the power of combining our energies into a clear intention. And it was definitely heard!

Over all these years I've developed a practice of thanking the group of people in the OR and exuberantly telling them to have fun! There's always a giggle that moves through the room and then I'm out. I love this practice as it covers the bases by speaking words of gratitude and lightening the mood.

Today I'm in silence (part of the recovery process) and about the work of moving the anesthesia out of my body. If I'm being honest all those drugs are really fun for like 5-7 minutes and after that it's all temporary amnesia, seemingly endless dry mouth and constipation. But oh those few minutes.

No complaints here. I'm just going to sit here in copious amounts of salt and magnesium and healing flowers and soak while I continue the silent disco that is happening inside my head. I love breathing and I love you!

Healing Takes Time ... And That's Ok

his time last year I was in Peru getting to know Ayahuasca. It's taken me a year to unpack all that went down there - all that she taught me, the things I saw, experienced and felt in ceremony.
I can finally look at this photo and not want to hurl or cry which feels like a major victory.
This is your reminder that you can do hard things and also remember to give yourself as much time as you need to process those hard things. 

Easy Breathing

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A week ago today I was in Boston fresh outta surgery on my trachea. When I woke up in recovery among my first thoughts was a list of things I couldn’t wait to do like spend some serious QT in nature.
It feels so good to be home. It feels so good to breathe with ease. It feels so good to feel good. I wake up smiling. I move through my day smiling. I laugh a lot. I forgot how much energy I have when my airway is open.
I heard myself say to a friend this morning that "I am not worried about anything" and I paused to notice. As someone who has spent most of their life always worried about something it's basically the best thing I could ever feel. And I'm feeling it right now!
Thank you all so much for how you've held me, for how you see me and offer loving support. I remain convinced that we are better together and our combined intentions for good moves mountains (and sometimes scar tissue).
Thank you, I love you! May you not be worried about anything, may you feel free, and may you experience ease all the days of your life.

Shared Stories

I guide people through transformation. I hold hearts, hands and space through transition for a living. I'm really good at it. I'm deeply passionate about it. It's the answer to the question "What do you love so much you'd do it for free."

Lately I've been moving through my own transition as my breathing has be total shit. It's been painful and has added layers and chapters to my healing journey. What I know about transition is that I/ we/ you can't force it (mostly because you just don't have any energy left). It fucking blows but there's no where to go but IN IT. (also - I curse to help move energy and it really works for me. not meaning to offend anyone with all my fucks and shits in this post just trying to keep it raw and real and authentic and right now this is REAL).

After doing a good bit of wallowing I decided to take action and made a short series of videos sharing some of my breathing story. My intention was simple: to help others who may be negotiating this condition. I believe in the power of sharing our stories. If you're interested you can see them here (forgive the black space on either sides - rookie move of holding the phone the wrong way):

Together we are mighty! #shareyourstory #thestoryofmyhealing

Feel Good Breath

I began to notice a real difference in my breathing at the end of our Bali trip and it started to FEEL REAL in the airport in Taiwan. On the way to Bali we had to stop several times in the Taipei airport for me to catch my breath. Just walking, rolling my bag and carrying my backpack was too much. So we'd pause, I would wait for my breathing to become manageable again and then we'd proceed. This time I was walking well ahead of Cliff. I stopped to look back and wait for him when it dawned on me - OMG I'm breathing with ease! When Cliff caught up I said, "Hey do you notice anything?" And he said, "Your breathing sounds so good!!!!" We shared a look of awe, excitement and both wondered without saying it aloud if this was going to be here to stay.

About a week later I went with my sister to hear a great mystic speak. After the keynote we said hello (he + Kayla are friends). Kayla shared the story of my healing + that meditation in Bali (see previous post in this series). He reached out and as nonchalantly as possible while asking "what's your name" pushed me on my breast bone w/ his pointer and index finger. The push made me physically sway and I braced myself by stepping one foot back as I answered his question with, "I'm Lacy." What happened after that was pure magic. 
When Kayla and I got in the car post encounter I was all caps GIDDY! I'd been feeling down and uninspired that day but all those feelings were suddenly + completely gone. I felt like he read the energy of my throat and gave me a blessing! Kayla agreed that was definitely what happened. We sang songs from our childhood at the top of our lungs in the car and memorized the events of the night with deep gratitude.

When I got home I was still physically buzzing. I washed my face and when I looked up to see that all the soap was rinsed away I noticed a small heart on my chest where he'd touched me! WHA? I took a photo to see if it would show up to send to Kayla and it totally did! See it below my necklace and above my cleavage? It stayed with me for nearly 36 hours. 
MAGIC is real. Healing is possible. I'm living proof.

Shifting Together

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At Shift Retreat in Bali, I gave everyone a day off and most of the group went to hike a volcano. I offered an optional 7 am meditation. My aunt, sister and dear friend Lizzy came - of all the people at the retreat the three who know me, love me and support me with wild abandon showed up this morning. I immediately knew that was no accident. We chatted for a bit and decided that we'd do a Dr. Joe Dispenza meditation on opening up the pineal gland so that I could meditate too instead of leading the meditation. 

When we finished the meditation my aunt opened her eyes and looked at me crying and said, "You are healed, Lacy! You are healed!" Honestly the thought in my mind was a pacifying, "aren't you sweet for thinking so." Her experience was not matching mine. I could feel and hear myself breathing and I didn't feel healed BUT I did notice that I felt moved by her emotion and a space was opening up inside of me. 
Through her tears she said, "You guys, I know we just meditated but we have to do it again." She had received what we call a "divine download" and she just KNEW with all her being that we needed to go back into meditation. We sat in a tight circle, their hands on me and breathed together. With Mary's prompt they breathed in the scar tissue, breathed it up and out to the angels to carry it away. 

I cried so hard that I did the shaking silent cry. It took time for the sound to come and when it did I sobbed for all those years that had been so hard, so limited, so frustrating. I cried for every time I wanted to simply walk and talk, to run, and to play but physically couldn't. I cried and I received their love. For the first time in a long while I could hear something louder than my own breathing. I could hear three women intentionally working to pull scar tissue up and out of my body. I felt their breaths, their effort, their love and I began to believe not in a larger healing but in the truth of the moment.

Healing Waters

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Magic happened in Bali. We went as a group to Tirta Empul to participate in a water purification ritual. I immediately felt the sacredness of the temple + locals were quick to tell us when we sat our bags in the wrong spot. There was an air of seriousness + a bit of confusion on doing the ritual the right way.

The water is spring fed. I was covered in goosebumps as I made my way to the first few water spouts. I did the best I could to follow the instructions + hold my intention for healing. Honestly I was mostly going through the motions. 

I got about 1/3 of the way through and a local women entered the pool carried by two men w/ a third staying close by. She howled with such volume + intensity it was impossible not to notice her. The lines of people waiting at each spout parted to let her go ahead. The men would carry her to the water and let it flow over her head as best they could.

She thrashed her body + threw intense fits all while screaming out while the men sweetly + safely wrangled her and kept moving forward. I was struck by their calm determination to see her all the way through the pools. It felt like a metaphor for how we must feel + experience our emotions completely + also keep going, keep choosing life. 

Her cries grew more + more intense and something started to happen inside of me. My chest hurt and then felt like it was cracking open. I placed one hand on top of the other over my heart to steady myself. An intense amount of emotion welled up inside, I began to cry. All of a sudden I wasn't afraid of her anymore, I was her. She was giving me the permission I didn't know I needed to move massive amounts of stagnated + trapped energy in my body.

Her cries infused with my intention for healing and my emotion continued to rise as I splashed the sacred water on my throat over + over again. I was fully awake in the present moment. 

The moment I began to cry my eyes met with my Aunt Mary who was at the other end of the pools. We looked at each other for a long while + went back to what we were doing. I felt so seen by her, so held. I now know it was a pivotal moment + foreshadowing of all that would unfold next.